My Roommate Is Stealing My Stuff! How to Confront Your Roommate

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If your roommate is stealing from you, the best way to confront your roommate is actually to avoid being too confrontational. Follow the steps below to confront your roommate in the least drama-inducing manner possible.

Why You Must Confront

As unappealing as confrontation is, you’re not going to be comfortable living in a home in which you feel betrayed and victimized. If you ignore the behavior, your roommate will likely continue to steal. Plus, it’s possible you’re not living with a mean roommate with ill intentions at all-but you won’t know until you communicate.

Step 1 – Evaluate What’s Stolen

Before you accuse your roommate of stealing, take a closer look at your missing belongings. If it’s just one or two things, you may be mistaken and have just misplaced them, so be sure to do a thorough check under and behind furniture. If anything of value you own (like an MP3 player, DVDs, games, etc.) always mysteriously disappears or finds its way into your roommate’s room, you have a strong case that your roommate is stealing. If a lot of inexpensive items, such as toiletries and office supplies, are gone, it’s possible you’re not dealing with a mean roommate, but rather a roommate who is oblivious when it comes to respecting boundaries.

Step 2 – Arrange a Meeting Over a Meal

You must be firm but not overpowering when confronting a roommate, or he or she will become defensive. Invite your roommate to eat a meal with you. You can cook or invite him or her to a neutral location, where he or she may be less likely to get angry and upset. Don’t let up until your roommate agrees.

Step 3 – Open a Dialog

Start the meal with some small talk and then open a dialog in which you:

  • Ask your roommate if he or she knows that you’ve noticed your lost items and, if applicable, found some of them moved elsewhere in the apartment.
  • Tell your roommate that you would appreciate it if he or she didn’t go into your room or touch your things without your permission, but stress that sometimes you wouldn’t mind sharing as long as your roommate asks you first.
  • Stress that you’re on a budget and that even missing inexpensive toiletries can add up to higher costs for you. You can offer to take turns buying toiletries for both of you to share.
  • Allow your roommate to speak his or her mind. A mean roommate may deny everything and/or fling unfounded accusations at you, but it’s possible that your roommate will simply become embarrassed and tell you that he or she didn’t know you weren’t okay with him or her taking your stuff. 
  • If your roommate didn’t have ill intentions and there was simply a miscommunication between you, agree to let the matter go and don’t hold any grudges, so long as your roommate changes his or her behavior from then on.

Living with a roommate who is stealing your stuff is an unpleasant situation, so you must work through the unpleasant task of confronting your roommate and establishing better communication. If you find you truly have a mean roommate who won’t cooperate, it’s time to explore other living options.

5 Responses to “My Roommate Is Stealing My Stuff! How to Confront Your Roommate”

  1. October 15, 2009 at 3:41 pm, Charlene said:

    I would never live anywhere, with anyone, including family, without a lock on the door to my room. I even have a lock on my bathroom door so there’s no helping ones self to my aspirin, toothpaste, hairspray etc. I am a dimwit concerning things mechanical or involving tools, but even I was able to remove the passage doorknobs and put entry locks on the doors myself with a screwdriver at a cost of less than $20 from Home Depot. Fences make good neighbors. Locks make good roommates.


  2. June 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm, Anonymous said:

    Why should I have to lock up all of my belongings (to charlene)? What about respect for another person’s things?


  3. February 18, 2014 at 11:09 pm, karen13 said:

    honestly, i dont think continuing to live with a person who you know has stolen from you is atall okay for either party, confront them, yes, but dont reward their stealing with a continuing relationship. if you do , you are telling them that its okay that they stole from you, as long as this is the last time, which only sets you up to stolen from again, and you are lowering your expectations and standards for future living situations…


    • October 14, 2016 at 6:36 am, Kari said:

      > I think this becomes a more complicated situation in some cases. My boyfriend's 20 year old daughter is the one taking from me. Without ending a relationship over the issue I can't exactly pack up and move out


  4. December 21, 2016 at 8:54 am, Glen said:

    My narsisstic sister (soon to be) in law steals from me all the time and lies about it. She's in her mid 20s, has never had a job, never paid a bill and is insane. Prbably the most deluded, filthy manipulative pile of shite, i've ever met.
    She convinces herself she bought the items she steals from the same "asos" site when confronted. When i ask to see the online recipe she says asos doesn't give them. I've had to texter my name on EVERYTHING and she still steals it. Her mother buys her what ever she wants but the issue is that she wants everything, everyone else has and she wants them to have nothing. I've always had to work because my parents never paid for anything, i wore ripped clothing to school and didnt eat lunch. This spoilt bitch steals from people who don't get free rides in life and is snarky about it.

    Sadly my partner and I live in a seperate part of the house connected to the main house as a way to save up for our own place. We pay half the bills and cook and clean for everyone as a sign of respect. This little cow will walk into a room i've cleaned and trash it then say " I shouldn't have to clean, my life is more important". Total nuttcase. Sadly she manipulates the mother with abuse and emotional blackmail to get away with doing this. I've hidden clothing and food and when we're out sge goes through our stuff, trashed the place and steals what she wants. We can't have a private lock because they like being able to use our bathroom when cow is spending hours showering or putting on make up in theirs. We also have the power board and internet in our part of the house, so we can never lock it. It's looking like i will need to buy draws with locks built in to prevent this selfish mole from stealing.


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