How to Handle Your Roommate’s Significant Other

October 15th, 2007 by

“After college, I got an apartment with an old friend from high school,” says Brooke, a 25-year-old media relations assistant living in Washington, D.C. “We were both single and loved going out. It seemed like the perfect living situation until my roommate started dating a guy from her grad program. All of the sudden, I had a third roommate. He hung around the apartment while she was in class, eating my food and hogging the bathroom. I didn’t even like the guy.”

Unfortunately, stories like Brooke’s are all too common. Your roommate may be scrupulous about paying the bills on time, always washing the dishes, and keeping late-night noise to a minimum. It doesn’t matter. A new boyfriend or girlfriend can transform your otherwise considerate roommate into someone who is a nightmare to live with. Even if your roommate handles the situation with tact and sensitivity, there’s no guarantee you’ll like the new significant other, which is another problem unto itself.

Though it’s bound to be a little awkward, it’s best to voice your expectations when you first move in, before issues arise. You can use this discussion to segue into a conversation about cleanliness, utility bills, and interior decorating. Even if you’re moving in with a friend you’ve known for years, don’t assume that he or she shares your values or expects the same things. If your roommate ends up crossing the line of what’s acceptable later on, you’ll have firm ground to stand on when you remind him or her of your earlier discussion. Before you broach a discussion, make sure that you’ve thought about how you feel about some of these things:

  • Giving out keys: Is it ever acceptable to give apartment keys to a significant other? What about friends and overnight guests?
  • Frequency of visits: Is it okay for a boyfriend or girlfriend to hang around the apartment for the weekend? What about weeknights, and if so, how many?
  • Utilities and other bills: If a significant other spends a great deal of time in the apartment, should he or she contribute to the utility bills? What about cable?
  • Dress: How do you feel about your roommate’s boyfriend walking around in boxer shorts? What about a towel?
  • Noise: What’s an acceptable level of noise at night? If it turns out that you can hear things you shouldn’t through the walls, are you comfortable asking your roommate to keep the noise down?
  • Groceries: If you buy food jointly, should girlfriends and boyfriends contribute to the grocery fund? If you buy food separately, has your roommate let his girlfriend know that some of the food in the refrigerator is off limits?

It’s harder to bring these things up if you’ve been living with your roommate for a while or if an uncomfortable situation has already erupted in your apartment. When the discussion becomes specific rather than hypothetical, there’s a greater chance that your roommate will take offense. Sometimes, asking your roommate what you can do to improve the situation may work better than asking him or her to change.

Eliza, an architect living in New York, remembers when a roommate’s boyfriend had literally moved into the apartment. “He was having some problems with his own roommate, so he essentially moved in with us. She had given him half of her closet for his stuff.” Eliza felt uncomfortable asking their new houseguest to spend less time in the apartment, so she presented the situation as her problem, not theirs. “I asked whether my presence in the apartment was cramping their style. I even suggested spending weekends away so that they could have more alone time. She got the hint.”

Sometimes, a discussion about your roommate’s significant other can turn into something more than you bargained for. When Brooke broached the boyfriend issue with her roommate, she got something of a wake-up call herself. “I finally got the courage to tell my roommate that her new boyfriend was hanging around too much and eating all my food. She apologized but then told me that she suspected the guy I’d been dating had been using her bath products.” And not just any bath products. “It turns out that he had been using her extremely expensive face cream as body lotion. It was so awkward to tell her that her suspicions had been correct.”

A conversation about your own significant other can be a great starting point for a talk about changes your roommate needs to make. Start by asking whether your girlfriend or boyfriend ever does anything to make your roommate uncomfortable or if there’s anything you can do to make situation more manageable. Like Brooke, you may discover that there’s a lot you don’t know about either.

If you’ve ever shared an apartment with another person, you probably have a story to tell. Share it with us in the comments section.

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95 Responses to “How to Handle Your Roommate’s Significant Other”

  1. Guest Says:

    I had the worst experience in college. I moved in under a year lease. Even though i had my own room and bathroom it was awful. My roomate had a boyfriend move in that had no job and creepy friends. He brought home a stray cat and i’m highly allergic to it. It also had fleas!!!! All of the furniture in the apartment was mine and the cat destoryed it. I ended up giving away the couch. Since she had lived there for 2 years previous all the bills were in her name. In college i worked as a bartender and paid utilities to her in cash and paid the apt complex the rent. I would give her money for bills, but the cable, internet, and water kept getting shut off due to nonpayment. The worst was when she left for spring break and the internet got shut off. I was in the middle of doing a research paper for senior seminar and i couldn’t do it from home. To add to insult i couldn’t get it turned back on because the bill wasn’t in my name. The boyfriend was there 24/7 since he didn’t have a job and had his friends spend the night. Since he had no money of course he didn’t chip in for bills. Many times he would come in at 4 in the morning and cook and pass out. I would wake up for work or class and the oven would still be on from the night before. Talk about a power bill. I had many conversations with the roomate, but she could really care less and this was my friend. I moved out as soon as the year was up and then she hit me with bills with late charges on them. I finally told her there was no way and she could have her boyfriend pay them. It was a nightmare. I will never have a roomate again, i don’t care how cheap the rent is. Its not worth it.

  2. Guest Says:

    I had a similar problem with a roommate myself. She was my good friend from my work and we got along really well for the first 9 months of our 12 month lease. Then she met her boyfriend, a creepy guy who had just gotten out of jail on drug charges and was almost 20 years years senior to BOTH of us. He squatted at our house for several weeks before I asked her to please have him leave or spend some nights with him at his home. He wasn’t working and was always around eating my food, watching ill-chosen programs on the TV, and having loud argumentative conversations on his cell phone. It turned out he never got a new place once he got out of jail and had just been moving from place to place mooching off other people, and she said she was going to have him there and it was not of my business. She completely disregarded my numerous requests that he stay out of my bathroom (she had her own, but had him use mine since his hair got everywhere.) I was so happy when he was put back in jail on yet another drug charge. Unfortunaly, he was bailed back out less than 3 days after he went in and was back squatting in our house in no time. I thought, whatever, since our lease was almost up. That same month, our landlord called me 2 weeks after the rent was due to ask if we were planning on paying it soon. I was in shock as I had given her my half of the rent money well before the beginning of the month. I asked her about it and she said she had “lost” the money order and was going to pay it out of her next check. I was furious, especially since I was looking for new apartments and kept getting turned down since when they called my complex, they informed potential landlords that we were three weeks late on rent that month. Finally I found out that she had used our combined rent money to bail her loser boyfriend out of jail! Needless to say, I never again had a roommate and choose my friends more carefully now.

  3. Guest Says:

    I have a situation where I’m living with my best friend of 10 years….and she was living with her fiance to begin with. Which is fine, I basically had originally moved in to help them out financially with rent and to get away from the parents pad…
    Needless to say big mistake.
    I am now at the point where they are now married…and I can’t take it…they are slobs, they don’t clean the apt …I do the cleaning most of the time.
    Now they’re bringing home more pets without even asking my opinion on them.
    But when I ask their opinion on wanting to potentially save the life of my boyfriends cat who’s outdoors and may or may not be alive…they said no.
    It makes me angry.
    They spend their money furiously on things they don’t need and when it comes time to buy groceries or whatnot…they don’t have the funds for it.
    In any case, I don’t know what to do….but heree’s the beauty…I’m not on the lease So I can up and leave whenever I want…however I have nowhere else to go…and I want to move in with my boyfriend…he wants that too, but I need to get my g2, because he lives in the middle of cornfields.
    I’m also taking on a parking spot at the apt here because my boyfriend drives and we got ticketed a few weeks ago because each tenant per unit is only allowed so many visitors to stay overnight.
    In any case…if I move out sooner than their lease is up, I will have to pay for their parking for the remainder of the lease.

  4. Guest Says:

    So what is appropriate? My boyfriend is only over on weekends, doesn’t use any of our stuff or food, and we’re in and out a lot so we’re not just parked on the couch all weekend and in the way,and my roommate still flipped out on me and accused me that he “lives there.” I don’t know how to dial it down much more, he’s never there during the week-it sounds like I could be a lot worse based on some of these stories. What more should I do? I don’t want to make her miserable but I must be missing something because I thought I was being reasonable. Help!

  5. Anonymous Says:

    my roommate has a slob of a boyfriend

    I’ve been living with my friend for two years now and for the most part we get along great. We are good roommates together I would say. The problem is she is very petty about dumb things, for example last year we lived in a place that had a washer and dryer and my boyfriends house didn’t so I let him use it and he did about once a month, she wanted him to pay a portion of the water bill… need I say more. Well now its our second year together, we have seemed to roll out any differences and her and my boyfriend are now great friends. But now she has a boyfriend and he is here all the time when she is at class when she is at work, all the time. I see him more than my boyfriend. I can get over that but this bathroom situation sucks. We have one and he is always in it. He takes 20min to hour long showers and our power bill has been jumping every single month. About $30 bucks every month!!

    My roomie is not the nicest person to talk to if you have an issue with her and I get angry when she acts this way so we just fight or don’t talk to eachother, but I have to say something right? and what do I say?

    oh yeah and she loves throwing things in my face like about things that I do that she doesn’t like but that she just never told me… this is slightly complicated.
    AMC

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Why don’t you go to his place more. You don’t want to not spend time with your boyfriend but if your roommate is upset about it she is probably jealous so just go somewhere else and enjoy yourself.

    AMC

  7. Guest Says:

    I’ve seen so many postings for the hardship that the single roommate apparently has when their other roommate finds happiness in another person. Unfortunately, no one thinks about how selfish that is, and how straining it can be on the relationships that one roommate has with the other as well as her bf. It is a shame that roommates can turn on you when they are jealous of your happy relationship. Why should I not be allowed to stay at my apartment simply becuase my boyfriend is there with me. I think that if I could be trusted before, why could I not be trusted in my choice of significant other? Maybe it is because I have never had a problem with anyone else’s significant other being around, that I find it strange, controlling, jealous and rude to think that anyone could tell me that my s.o. can’t be around. It’s very odd to me that people are so unwilling to share their space. I would be so happy for my roommate if she started dating someone. It’s sad that she can’t feel the same way for me. I think there are many more issues behind all of this. She is generally unhappy most of the time now, but it’s hard to have that negative energy chanelled in my direction. So is the solution not to date? Only to date people you don’t really want to hang out with?If you want to be free to lead your own life, I suggest not having a roommate.

  8. Guest Says:

    Ok so here is my situation. I am the home owner. It was my husband, my best friend from high school, and I all in this house. My husband & I are going thru a divorce, so he moved out. My roomates girlfriend wanted to move in & she was there all the time anyways, so I said ok. I began dating a guy from over 2hours away, so naturally, he would stay over a lot. They all got along great, my roommates & boyfriend. Then he started getting lazy, not finding a job, but would do house work. My previouse roomies began to make comments in front of him like…”why you so tired, not like you worked today…” I asked them to let it be my problem, not theirs. Still the comments came. Then my boyfriends feelings got hurt. Til one day my roommates girlfriend, my boy freind & I went to a store. Long story short, my roomie got a big heavy lamp, boyfriend wouldn’t carry it for her cause he says he was mad @ her & her big mouth. I was so embnarrassed that I sent him home. I told him he could only return when things were smoothed over. Since the incident, he really has tried. He is driving 2 hours to come on job interviews here where I live. He brought my roomate flowers to try to rebuild a relationship with her. She just will not let it go….keeps saying he’s got 10 more miles to walk before i’m ok to be around him. I’m sorry, I want to be considerate of her feelings, but she is being a drama queen. I feel like she brings a lot of stress to the situation, but I don’t tell her she has to stop or leave. I do really need her boyfriend (my original roomnmate) rent money & could not afford the house without that income. What do I do?

  9. Guest Says:

    As silly as it sounds, in my experience, writing a letter or email saying exactly whats on your mind, with tact of course, is very effective. Slip it under her door before you go to work in the mornin that way she’ll have the entire day to think about it and more importantly, calm down. The best thing about writing and delivering your complaint is that you are able to get everything you need to say out with out being interupted with childish remarks about things from the past. Usually after someone reads what your telling them and has a while to think about the actually conversation is more calm and overall efficient. Good luck!

  10. Guest Says:

    First of yall you need to remind her that your paying half your share of the bills and rent JUST LIKE SHE IS. You have as much of a right to do whatever you want. I could see her being pissed if you were like these other people in this forum but she seriously sounds like theres no pleasing her. More than likely, shes jealous that he’s getting all of your attention. Shes bitter and if she doesnt chill out shes gonna end up being a bitter old lady. After all, if you wanted someone to tell when you could and couldnt have boys over and what time they had to leave you could have stayed at home with mommy and daddy for free.

  11. Guest Says:

    Amen! Im about to move in with some girlfriends and all i keep hearing from them is, “you better not let your boyfriend stay over all the time.”
    Im sorry but freedom is why Im moving out to begin with. Not to mention I feel like Im paying the same share of bills they are so Ill do as I please.
    I guess I just dont see why they care so much. I could care less what they do with their boyfriends…. as long as I dont have to hear or see anything inappropriate you know?

  12. Guest Says:

    Oh my gosh! No! While it’s definitly expected that the two of you would try to even out time speant at each apartment why should exclusively have to stay at just his place? Youre a grown woman whose paying rent just like your roomate! If you cant enjoy whats yours, why are you paying for it??

  13. Guest Says:

    Girlfriend, parking is seriously the least of your worries. You need to grow up, get your priorities straight and say bye to the BFF. Im proud of you for at least realizing that you need to get the heck out of their. That is in fact the first step. But if you and your boyfriend are both ready and willing to live together you need to make it happen. Im not sure what a g2 is but whatever is, take care of it. Even if you pay a an equal share of bills the two of them WILL NEVER see you as an equal in that apt because 1-it two of them against one of you, and 2-they lived there first.
    Sit down, make of list of what you want and what you need. Then make another list of how your gonna accomplich meeting those wants and needs. Most importantly, set goals for yourself. Dont say what your gonna do say what AND when. For example, dont say “Im gonna get my g2.” Say, “Im gonna have my g2 by December 1, 2008. Get it?
    In the mean time, I would sit down with the other two and let them know whats up. Let them know theyre discusting and that you paying your share of the bills gives you just as much a right to want a clean house or a cat as they do. Whether or not they want to agree they owe you some respect. Remind them of how much trouble you saved them by moving in. If shes really your best of ten years you should be able to tell her how you feel.
    Good luck!

  14. Guest Says:

    ew…you should spit in that girls face… what a skank!

  15. Guest Says:

    Jealousy is not the issue here! (In most cases) I’m currently dealing with this problem. I have three roommates, at least that’s what our lease says. The boyfriend of one of my roommates has become a fourth. He is literally at the house more then I am. Why should I be paying for him to live at my house? There is 4 of us living there eating the food taking showers, why should the bills be split 3 ways? He is basically mooching off of the three of us. I can assure you that I’m not jealous of them one bit despite the fact they are and adorable couple. I have my own boyfriend. I make sure he buys us food and doesn’t stay over an uncomfortable amount. My roommates boyfriend has a key and garage door opener. He is at our house when my roommate is not and yesterday he even had the audacity to invite his friends over. My roommate wasn’t even home! I would never allow my boyfriend to have access to my house when I’m not there. My 3rd roommate sees the situation exactly the same way I do. We need to sit down and have a talk with her. If you plan on moving out, please discuss this topic before hand even if at the time you and your future roomies are currently single. It will save you a lot of trouble and hard feeling in the future!

  16. Guest Says:

    It’s not the relationship that bothers me. I am not jealous, I am just really scared. My roommates boyfriend has several weapons in her room because his dad is a gun collector. I am afraid of going out of my room because he likes to walk around au natural. I just want to be able to relax when I go home. My lease says only one person per room and by goodness it should be that way. I don’t know what to do though because this guy is scary.

  17. Guest Says:

    I’d like some advice for MY situation…

    I am the significant other (girlfriend). I moved in with my boyfriend and two of his friends, the manager knows this, though I am not on the lease. It was understood in the beginning, before we moved in together, that I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent, though I would help pay the other bills equally. The others agreed to this. To boot, I had a couple of cats.
    I did not expect work to slow down even more than it had (was expecting it to pick up), and I felt real bad. I would give my boyfriend what I could for rent, but all other bills were still payed equally.
    I put out applications for a 2nd job around the beginning of the lease, but just didn’t get any call backs until recently… now that the 6mo lease is nearly up. Also, I removed the cats willingly. It was always my intention, that too however, took time because I wanted to find them homes, not deathbeds, if you will…
    Over time, the other two roommates began to slack with the “chores” and my boyfriend and I were the ones putting in the most money for food and cleaning things. It’s like we became their parents, without the scolding and/or consequences. Infact, the two others were late with payments before, so my boyfriend and I put up the extra money -more so the boyfriend.

    The other two roommates have expressed now that they wish to move out, one to live with his brother, the other to go home with his folks so he can afford school. Not even two weeks into their notice, they’re texting my boyfriend, telling him they want me out because I do not pay rent and I’m pissing them off. Less than a month left in the lease! It has been MONTHS since I’ve spoken with them because they’ve made me uncomfortable, so I avoid them so as to avoid conflict. I don’t speak to them, but do say hello if they say it, otherwise, I make no eye contact and stay away in the bedroom and continue to pay my share of the bills, or part of the rent to help the boyfriend out a little. I honestly do not know what I have done wrong as the “other” person. I DO pay bills, minus ONE, occasionally. I’m not filthy and I keep to myself. Is this honestly fair?

  18. Guest Says:

    No, this is not the right approach. When you stay with other people,you also enter a unspoken agreement that you will take care that the people with whom you are sharing should not have problems because of you. They are right in saying to not let your boyfriend stay over all the time and they should also be following that rule. Paying rent doesnot give you the right to do as you wish. If you want to not let people care about it, then you should go ahead and live in a single bedroom apt wherein you are nto answerable to anyone.If becaue of your attitude if they start having problems,you are not paying them for their emotional stress. they sign a lease agreement to stay with you and not your boyfriend. Ocassionlay its fine. but not always

  19. Guest Says:

    there’s a difference between having your boyfriend over and having him move in. my roommate has had her boyfriend living here for the past 5 months. he does not pay rent or and bills. he sleeps, showers, does his laundry and everything else here. he lives the same place with all the same amenities only for free. i essentially have 2 roommates but pay half the rent. and to top it off they get into screaming matches at least twice a week and he’s such a loser that he has no place else to go so i have to try to fall asleep listening to their domestic disputes. it is inconsiderate and wrong. she pays her rent yes, but that doesn’t entitle her to have full run of the apartment.

  20. Guest Says:

    My “situation” has yet to start actually. I signed a lease with two girlfriends on a house. Some time ago one of the roommates announced that her boyfriend from Latin America would be “coming to stay” with us for about 3 months. At first I don’t think either of us thought anything of it but now I’m starting to hear horror stories about that elusive 4th roommate… I don’t think he even has a Visa so theres no possible way he’ll be paying his share of rent (for shared space that he’ll be using)…much less utilites. The big problem here is that neither of us said anything. And to top it off I don’t think the other roommmate would even be bothered, but the thought of sharing my living room/kitchen with a guy is starting to freak me out a bit… I don’t want to have to make sure I have clothes on every time I leave my room.
    So right now it’s me who’s going to look like the bad guy if I say anything and I think he already has his ticket to America…..Help.

  21. Guest Says:

    I knew my roommate for sometime in my first year of college and we decided to move in together for our 2nd year. The funny part is… Im a BOY, living with a girl who has her ——- 26 year old BF coming in (mind the fact that we’re both 19) and sleeping over every single night. At first i didnt care because i thought that stuff like this is “normal” and as long as they just keep to themselves in their own room i wouldnt mind. But things started to change when the boyfriend started to “give me advice” about housekeeping. I admit im a slob sometimes but my roommate in our whole time here has never talked to me about housekeeping. Not to mention that they themselves arent the cleanest couple around either. So he starts telling my what to do like wiping the floors and cleaning up my own dishes. At first i just ignored him cause i thought that he doesnt have any right to tell me what to do in my own house. Then it came one day when he YELLED in my face and started to get all tough with me. He told me that “what the —- is ur problem stuff” and started to get in my face. Sooo i tried to avoid confrontation and told him to just chill out and for once i actually did what he told me. AFter that i had enough and wanted him gone from our apartment. I asked the landlord to do something about it and she called my roommate telling that he has to leave. I saw him leave and i thought i won the battle. But the next day… he came back when i woke up and saw him using my shower. I was pissed. I really want him gone because he uses our bathroom, kitchen, and walks around in the morning with his ——- boxers on. I felt like ive ran out of options cause i told the landlord about the problem and i asked my roommate if he could leave. She said that hes staying indefinately. Not to mention my house is incredably small, just a puny kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and a bathroom. I really need to kick him out or find a way to leave.

  22. Guest Says:

    Wow. Thanks to everyone that’s written here. I have a very similar issue and hearing about how people have handled it really helped me get some perspective.

    Basically, my roommate’s new boyfriend has been over every day for the past four weeks (he’s there an hour after he gets off work, spends the night, stays in the apartment all weekend, cooks, showers and hangs out there). I don’t mind him as a person and would have no problem with him staying over a reasonable number of times a week. Also, I honestly like my roommate and don’t want to mess with how happy she is right now. In principle, though, I don’t want a fourth roommate.

    Here’s my connondrum. My roommate is smart enough to know what she’s doing is not cool, so she has done everything possible to make sure I don’t have something to point to. She always comes in with him (so I haven’t been able to determine if he has his own key), suddenly locks her door all the time (I assume so I can’t see his stuff is there) and even took her toothbrush out of the bathroom (I’m guessing, so I can’t be like ‘Aha! Here’s his tootbrush!’). About a week ago, I pointed out he was taking up precious bathroom time in the morning, so now they shower together!

    Essentially, I’m planning to confront her but feel like I don’t have a line in the sand to point to other than saying “He’s here more than I am.” I’m going to give her two options: he comes here less or he pays rent (and I’ll make rent high enough that he won’t want to stay). Anyway, I’ll be talking to her soon so I’ll let y’all know how it goes.

    -EDM

  23. Guest Says:

    In this situation, I’m the roommate with the boyfriend and my other roommate is uncomfortable with it. He honestly isn’t over ALL the time, it just seems like she walks through the door when he happens to be sitting there. He showers there occasionally, eats some of our food, and does use power- but on the other hand our water is free, he doesn’t shower when it’d be inconvenient for us, he buys his own food because he doesn’t want to mooch off of us, and he cleans does the dishes sometimes to help out since he visits so much.

    I feel like I can’t be happy living with here and having a boyfriend, which I don’t feel is my problem. I’m sorry if she feels like a third wheel, but that comes with the territory. She needs to find a boyfriend herself or accept that I have a boyfriend who will be over occasionally. We used to be such great friends too, and I feel like this situation will either ruin us or ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. Either way I’d resent one of them. It seems like I’m walking on eggshells with my roommate to try and make her happy, when she isn’t makign any changes toward the situation to ease the tension. Maybe she’s the one with the problem, not me.

  24. Guest Says:

    What changes are you making to ease the tension besides walking on eggshells? This is her home too, its not about who has a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go and it hurts when friends spend majority of their social time with their boyfriends, bring them home then want to hang out as soon as they break up with the guy or when he’s busy. Hos before bros. She has just as much right to be comfortable as you do. It really hurts when your living with someone who you thought was your friend and you try to talk about the issue and they don’t respect you enough to honor an agreement. Especially when your paying rent. It’s a BIG change to have a new person in your home space on a frequent basis who you don’t know or want to have around. Everyone should be able to feel respected, comfortable, and at peace when they come home. Maybe you could spend some time with your roommate doing something fun and sleep over/hang out at your boyfriends place more. It would give her a chance to come home and have quiet time for herself. It sounds like ya’all need to set up boundries and FOLLOW them. Good friends are like gold. talk it out and follow through with actions.

  25. Guest Says:

    Why don’t you move out with your boyfriend? Obviously, your friend isn’t comfortable with him being there as often as he is (I probably wouldn’t particularly LIKE it, either).

  26. Guest Says:

    I need help! I moved into an apartment on a one year lease with three other girls. I am sharing a room and the two other girls have singles. One of them has a boyfriend who is allergic to cats, and I have one. They have both made my life a living hell for the past week trying to get me to keep the cat confined to my bedroom. I think this is very unfair (the roommate’s boyfriend shouldn’t be living here anyway) and totally unreasonable as keeping a cat in a bedroom which two people sleep in is cruel. The boyfriend has decided he can’t come over at all, even to her room which has always been closed off to the cat, and my roomie is understandably upset, but I think all his bullying and obnoxious comments to me are very rude. I wish I hadn’t moved in with them at all!

  27. Guest Says:

    Your right. If you are paying half the rent, the roommate should meet you half way with guest. It’s not fair to live your life the way someone else wants you to. You might as well move back in with your parents who will give you a curfew and tell who comes over and cannot. I think you should speak up for yourself. Sounds like your boyfriend is the most decent, and more person out there. At least he is not a slob whom ruins his welcome. Your roommate needs to understand the difference between a third roomie and your bf.

  28. Guest Says:

    I have something in common with a lot of the previous repliers. My roommate’s boyfriend has been a very LARGE part of my two roommates and my living situation for the greater part of the last year. We moved into a townhouse last August with a FOUR person lease on the place. After the 1st semester, my one roommate’s boyfriend was living in his frat house the 1st semester, but since he wasn’t going to be a full time student in the spring he had to move out. My roommate suggested that he live with us for the 2nd semester saying he wouldn’t be there any more than he already was (which was about a few nights a week at the time). We figured it couldn’t be that bad so we agreed he could move in…that’s when the problems began. He agreed to help out with utilities but he didn’t have money because he didn’t tell his parents he was living with us so he never paid us on time. Also, he was ALWAYS there since he only had classes in the morning he would sit on the couch all day and play his stupid computer games (when he was suppose to be looking for a job mind you) while everyone else was being productive at class. He thought the living room was his room and he took it over with his laptop and television (even though he DID NOT contribute to the rent). Well a new semester has come and he did graduate in May, and he got a job three hours away so everything was going smoothly until he lost his job (OF COURSE), so now he’s back. He comes for “weekend visits” which have been becoming increasingly longer because he’s “LOOKING FOR A JOB HERE.” I’m at a loss at what to do because I’m always annoyed with his visits that are unending. However, the worse part about it is that my roommate whose boyfriend this is, is hardly ever here so its just my two roommates and I bonding with him…UNFORTUNATELY.

  29. Guest Says:

    Why don’t you go over to his place?

  30. Guest Says:

    im a male that got 2 other male roomates that each have a girlfriend. one of them has their girlfriend at our house all the time, 6 to 7 days a week sometimes more days in a row,i thought the only time when she was there he was there.well it turns out she goes to the house when she gets off work and waits for him to get home,i found this out when i had a week off from work and she was comming to the house everyday when my roomate was at work . using up electricity, using up all the hot water for showering,30 min showers! hanging out lockin herself in his room ,blocking the patio because the room is connected along to itand thats the only way to get in the patio is through the room . and slamming doors,always giving dirty looks,blasting her music over mine! ggggrrrrr!!! rarley ever says hello , i got to always give a heads up when i have bbq’s for their lazy asses only hang out in the room. and they still give a whinny attitude vibe when i tell them . they wait for there own garbage to bulid up in his room and then just pile up the bags in the kitchen ,i guess waiting for me to throw it out .dirty dishes as well . i brought it up to his attention a few months back and he got pissed off saying he can have whoever over whenever ,i said if she wants to stay here like she does she better pay some effin money of somesort!!! electricity mainly , i have girls over every now and then, and when i do there not here every f…in night using up utilities . i cant stand that b***** !!!!! so i decided to my part of annoyance!!! im a party animal,but have respect for the quietness of my roomates but now blast music when not neccessary have people over all the time late being loud and obnoxious but mostly on weekends. complaining and complaining i got from him , my other roomate is a party animal as well but didnt care because he was apart of it as well or was barley home. now that lazy bighead couple is moving out! justice is served!!!!! im happy for them but not when that tramp is living under my roof without payin a lil bit of something ,oh not to mention people say they dont like her as well. this house aint the mutha effin snooty snoo ! this is the mutha effin spot! its to bad she got him by the balls ! haha!!!!

  31. Guest Says:

    This is the girl with the cat again (#82451)… Do you guys think it’s fair that my roommate’s boyfriend is threatening me and my other roommate and forcing us to keep our cat in our bedroom when he doesn’t live there? I don’t care if he spends all his time here, I just can’t keep my cat in my bedroom just because he can’t be bothered to take a claritin.
    What should I do?

  32. Guest Says:

    I am living with two other girls and they VERY RECENTLY just broke up with their boyfriends…I have a boyfriend and he comes over a lot. He always stays in my room with me and he only uses my things. He never is in the common area, in fact he is not in sight 90% of the time. My roomates have known him just as long as I have and used to like him until now. I recently went to his place for some peace and quiet to study. I left him in my room to play videogames in my room. I was not gone for more than 2 hours, and I got a text that said it was weird that he was there without me.
    This was not the first time i had left him alone in my apartment, and they know this. But since they both are single now they seem to dislike the both of us. I stopped leaving him at my place without me out of respect, but I feel attacked.
    Also my one roomate and I used to be good friends, and since this last comment she sent me I cant help but feel like she could have handled this situation in a different way. She used to hate it when the other roomate would be so messy and leave dishes for a full week in the sink! Also our other roomate had her best friend over ALL THE TIME for a month and no one said anything. The best friend would lounge around the house when no one was home, and no one said anything! So why is it ok for my roomate to suddenly pick on me and my boyfriend and have a probelem with us when she had not said anything to the other roomate about her best friend? (who we only JUST met this year. PS I dislike the best friend but I deal with it)
    Also I feel like because they are both single they EXCLUDE me from everything because they assume i am with my boyfriend. I have already told one of my roomates that if they just asked me prior to the event I would almost always go, but they dont seem to want me to hang out with them anymore. I really dont know what to do! Help!
    Is there nothing I can do? I have tried to hang out with them when my boyfriend was not there and they just make me feel uncomfortable!

  33. Guest Says:

    I have the worst roomates EVER! My boyfriend (Andrew) started out the summer living with his best friend (MC) in a small two bedroom apartment. I would stop by and visit often and so would his friends girlfriend Hannah. Hannah did not get along well with her family so 1 month of have Mc live with Andrew she told her parents she was leaving and moving in with Mc (they had been dateing 6months). Leaving her home town she was lonely and decided she wanted a kitten (Andrew owns a large young black lab) So that makes 3 people (plus me alot of the time) and two animals in a small 730 sq ft apartment.
    His parents got upset and forced him to move back home for the duration of the summer ( he was 17) during that time he ended up owing my boyfriend over $500 dollars which he later paid back. Whenever we have friends over for parties ( which Mc used to LOVE and would get drunk with us all the time) they will make up excuses as for why they stayed in the bedroom. They have come out to 1 party so far and stayed out for approx over an hour.

    To make a terrible long hellish story short, I practically live there now due to the fact That they are obsessed with eachother, Andrew and Mc never hang out anymore because Mc spends every waking moment with her, They are engaged to be married supposedly, they cat is a huge nusiance and smells, they pay bills late, they never have time or money to come grocery shopping but they have time to eat the groceries, they have stopped doing dishes althought at least 95% of those said dishes are theirs, She wont talk with us if hes not there, they lock themselves in their room ALL the time, they keep talking about getting another cat, or a bunny, or fish, or a lizard even though we’ve told them NO more than once its just ridiculous!!!

    Im just so lost as to how to repair this relationship, i feel like if we confront them they will get defensive (since they are having issues with no one taking them and their engagement seriously) and feel attacked. I really want my boyfriend to be friends with Mc again! anyone have any suggestions??

  34. Guest Says:

    I really understand how you feel. I am going through the same exact situation now although one of my roommates has moved and the other is moving. I always feel attacked and really do not understand why because my boyfriend is always in my room, eats my food, uses my things and stays out of sight. He will usually come over in the evening does homework with me in my room then leaves really early so there is not chance to see him. I know it bothers them that he comes over but he doesnt do anything to bother them. I was mentioning to my roommate that I know my other roomate has a problem with it and she said they both might as well be living with him but what I dont understand is that it is my space and they hardly see him. She said they dont want to mention anything to me because i will make up excuses such as its my space so it doesnt matter. It is not an excuse it is a fact. He doesnt use or disrupt their lives so it shouldnt matter. Anyway in regards to your situation, its really hard to be friends with roommates I was friends with one of mine before moving in and we now not that close. I feel its better this way because you will be able to tell them things about your living situation without worrying it will affect your friendship. Roommates are really hard to deal with especially when you think your doing nothing wrong and you feel like the victim. The best thing to do is just be as nice as you can and if they bring it up tell them that he is respectful of everyone in the apartment and that your sorry. There really is not much else to say or do because your not going to stop having him over which is understandable. I know how you feel about this because I think about it a lot too. I hate coming home knowing they will be mad that he walks in with me when we are both friendly and do not bother anyone.

  35. Guest Says:

    I really do not know how else to explain my problem with my roommate’s “boyfriend” (its not even her real boyfriend). I moved in my first apt earlier this year with a friend of friend. Her “boyfriend” started to come over within like two weeks of me staying there. Once he stayed for almost a week and I was going to bring it up to her but he disappeared for a while.

    Over the last couple of months my roommate’s boyfriend has been staying over on the weekend and not leaving when my roommate goes to work. We do have separate bathrooms, but I am total uncomfortable and annoyed that her boyfriend stays in the house when she leaves. I did not sign up to stay with two other people, I signed up to stay with one.

    I have already brought this up to my roommate twice, but she doesnt seem to understand. She contends that he stays in the the bedroom and does not bother anyone. I am not paying half the rent to let her “boyfriend” sit up in our apt and play video games. I found out when she had a single bedroom apt, he used to stay with her all the time, but things are different.

    I need advice on what I should say to my roommate to make her understand that this living situation is unacceptable.

  36. Guest Says:

    My problem is different.
    My parents own 2 houses, one of ‘em is in the town where the college i go to is, so I’m living there but before, i had to look up for a roomie, bcus i couldnt live alone in the house, so i moved in with my bf’s sister and precisely cus she is my bf’s sister i had special considerations for her… she uses everything, didnt have to pay deposit and pays practically nothing, BUT… she is not responsible at all, I dont know how to approach her, bcus i do need that lil money she pays me so i can pay for the services (i made a deal with my parents… so we dont pay rent, but we pay the services, since they already gave me car, pay my college and my expenses…), my bf said he wouldnt mess around with that, bcus supposdly im the one that needs to approach her… but i dunno how to, cus… im afraid i might say somethin thats gonna get us weird, with her or my bfs family later on, i dunno. I need her to pay me on time, bcus i dont work, im a full time studen, so where the hell am i gonna get the money to pay what needs to be paid? i cannot tell my parents about this bcus they’re extremist ppl, and they would just had her kicked out and i would have to live with my aunt again, which is bad.

  37. Guest Says:

    you should tell him that until he pays part of the rent he can keep his opinions and requests to himself. that is very rude of him to even suggest that your cat should be locked in your room while he is there. i would NEVER oblige to that. maybe ask your roomate to buy some claritan for her boyfriend since he seems incapable of doing so himself.

    bottom line – it’s your apt., not his!!!

  38. Guest Says:

    Ok here’s my problem. I work the graveyard shift. Ive been asleep and been woken up to my roomate and her boyfriend having sex on the couch. yelling, sex in the shower. In her bed with the door open. I’ve walked in on them many times and in the shower. So they never pick up anything, dishes everywhere, just stuff everywhere. Now since we have moved in she comes home mon, tues, and watches tv and eats my food I bought.Since she is always at her bf house. So Its been 3 months and she hasent been home since. Now I’ll text her to see how she is. So know she moved everything she had at his house. Been home 3 days(cause shes going to be home alot more now). Now shes back over his house again.

  39. Guest Says:

    Of course I made the mistake of not suggesting sitting down and covering “ground rules” with the two girls I live with, who happen to be great friends of mine. The boyfriend topic came up the day we moved in, even before we got our key. My roommate made it clear her boyfriend would be over a lot, but we didn’t anticipate how disrespectful he would be. He is disrespectful towards her, which isn’t necessarily my direct business, but he takes advantage of her in ways that affect us all. For a while he ate my food, and after confronting him multiple times (and even blatantly writing my name all over all of my things), it took him a while to get the hint. My third roommate, who shares my distraught feelings, doesn’t feel confident enough to confront her, considering it’s a tender subject to tell one of your best friends that her boyfriend is a jerk to us. Lately, however, after we have been dealing with all of this with the best of intentions, we recently brought a cat into the apartment, with only the intention of “fostering” her until she found a home. It is his parents’ cat (he “lives” at home), and because the cat they already have doesn’t get along, we thought it’d be cool to have a cat around to keep us company and what not. The cat thing has not been working out. He lets her out repeatedly, while she is young and just went into heat, and not to mention for almost days at a time. My roommate tells him not to do it, but he denies her claim of it being unsafe and continues to do it. And she continues to tolerate his disrespectful behavior. The cat has been gone for over a day now, someplace outside (and mind you, it is FREEZING around here right now, and I happen to live in an apartment complex near a busy street that’s located not too far away from what many would consider a shady neighborhood. Not so cat-friendly), and he is to blame. Well, at least if you look at it from a general standpoint (I suppose one could say she would be to blame for her lack of action). Anyhow, what really bothers me (and my other roommate) is that he just does whatever he wants as if he lives here, without any regard for what his girlfriend (my roommate) or either of us say. We hope to approach her, whether or not the cat comes back, and tell her how it makes us uncomfortable how he does whatever he wants, especially regarding the cat. If he wanted to take charge in the first place, he should’ve kept her at his house where he can make his own rules. He’s just so disrespectful, I care about my roommate a lot and don’t want to hurt her feelings but something must be done about his apathetic diligaf attitude. Any suggestions?

  40. Guest Says:

    ok i own a house with my gf we have two roomates they dont even pay close to what the morgage is and they dont have to pay electricity or gas or any other bills. now my one roomate recently got a new girlfriend. she is over everyday they are downstairs but is still in my home. at first i didnt mind but now it seems she spends more time at my house then i do. shes here from about 3:30 in the afternoon till midnight everyday. just bothers me due to i have my roomates i can tolerate and know well i dont know this girl from a stick in the mud yet shes at my house in the heat with the lights on. just seems that when i come home i see her in my house and she doesnt pay anything and frankly im stressed cause i feel awkward around this person and i have a hard time in my own home due to i feel like im being taken advantage of.
    is it right for me to feel this way they only pay for a room yet i let them put the furniture the two roomates have in the downstairs living room. i pay all the bills. just doesnt seem right that someone is here all the time and im not getting anything outta it. altho im no prude and have said my opinion to him that its ok 1 or 2 times a week to have her over but not 7 damn days a week….

  41. Anonymous Says:

    Ok here is why everyone gets upset about boyfriends/or girlfriends staying over all the time. Even though your roommate is paying his/her half of the bill the boyfriend/girlfriend IS NOT! ANd if they are there all the time turning lights on, watching t.v., taking showers, cooking etc. then they are adding on to the utility bills as a whole. This means that EVERYONE has to pay more and that is not fair. Just because the roommate is paying their half of the rent dosen’t mean that their signifacnt whatever should be allowed to rack up the bills, not pay, and then expect all the other roommates to pay more. If your significant other is there using electricity, water and whatever else that EVERYONE pays for either they need to chip in or whoever they are dating needs to take responisbility for the utilites they use and pay a little extra. It’s only fair.

  42. Susan Says:

    Someone please give me some advice! My roommate’s girlfriend spends more time in my apartment than my roommate and me. He’s given his girlfriend a key and told me that if my boyfriend wants to stay over, he’s not going to pay me his rent. His girlfriend stays over every night and he refuses to have her leave. She doesn’t pay any rent. Unfortunately we’re both on the lease, and I’m stuck sleeping in the same room every night with these two. What should I do?

  43. emily Says:

    I think 1 or 2 nights a week is a little ridiculous for the amount of time they’re allowed to be over. 3 or 4 nights a week is acceptable in my opinion. They can spend the other 3 or 4 days at his house. If they truly need more than 4 nights a week of spending the night they should move in together and leave their poor roommates alone. It’s not a big deal to have guests over during the day 5 or 6 days a week but they shouldn’t always be spending the night and they need to be respectful and courteous to the other people paying rent. Also, try to spend more time out of the house instead of lounging around cooking, watching t.v. etc etc… It’s uncomfortable to be in a house and always be the 3rd wheel even if they are in their bedroom or if everyone gets along well. People with significant others should just try to make their roommate feel as comfortable as possible and go to the roommate to have a detailed discussion about how many nights a week and other things that might bother them. That way the drama will be minimized.

  44. guest Says:

    i am having this problem now, my roommate share a room, and her boyfriend started living with us, without asking me, (he just showed up and when i asked my roommate when he was leaving she said she didnt know) for over a month and a half until, he was suppose to get a job and find a place but instead he just played video games all day, i finally told him he had to leave, so he got a place but he is over at our house every single day and stays the night at least half of the week, mind you we share a room and our beds are a foot apart from each other. i even confronted them both 3 times that he is over too often and offered that he could be over 3-4 times a week and him not come over the other 3-4 days, so at least he wouldnt be over every day and they just said no. and i am on a year lease that ends in 4 months but because the place is so cheap and close to my school, i dont have a car and have a dog and i am a college student, i dont know how to be able to move out. so any good suggestions let me know.

  45. guest Says:

    Okay, so I have lived with my roommate in a 2 bedroom apartment for 3 years now. About 7 months ago my roommate started seeing this girl and she basically moved in from day 1 of their relationship. She has her own place but is here 24/7. The first couple of weeks I didn’t mind because I figured they were just in their honey moon stage and I was happy to see him roomie happy, but months later, she just never went home. She gradually moved herself in, and I realized she wasn’t going anywhere when I she started keeping her beauty products in our shower and even had her own towel. She started buying her own food as is she lived here and she acts as if the apartment is hers. When he is gone she is here and she hasn’t been to her place, except to grab a thing or two, in months. She has even transported her entire wardrobe here. But little things have been annoying me. My roomie and her go to bed at 9 PM every night, like an old married couple, meaning I cant even watch TV at night (because they say its too loud)
    I am a pretty relaxed and tolerant guy, so I put my annoyances aside. About a month and a half ago during midterms, I let the dishes pile up because I was busy. One night after they had gone to bed I walk in the kitchen and see a sign that says: “Please do dishes” in her handwriting. This made me furious, as its my apartment and this girl who doesnt even pay the rent is trying to tell me what to do. They weren’t even all my dishes.

    Today she woke me up when she started screaming (she is 18 and has ADD). My roommate told her to be quiet because I was sleeping, but she thought I was at work, so she continued to be loud. Then she went in the kitchen and I guess found a dirty dish she didn’t approve of and she screamed “GROSS”. and proceeded to bitch about “why i was abnormal and how annoying it was living with me.” I heard every word and I had to fight the urge to storm out and throw her out of the apartment. I didn’t do that, but I walked out calmly, and she was surprised I was even home and told her the truth, “You know, I can hear every word you say when you talk.” She suddenly was nice to me and I know she felt awkward.

    I am moving out in a week anyways, so I know I should just suck it up, but it feels good to vent and I would like to know if any guys out there have had similar problems with a roommate’s girlfriend who infiltrated their apartment then saw fit to claim it as her own?

    I don’t even feel bad about sometimes being messy because it’s my damn apartment and she can choke on a hard one.

  46. Guest77 Says:

    Need Advice.. Im a female and live in a house with one other woman. We’re both 24 and well over the days of dorm- life- roommate drama. We live in a very nice apartment with tons of amenities.

    When we signed our lease we never had a written “agreement” about food, guests, or chores but each of us pitched in our fair share. Everything had been going well up until about 4 months ago. A guy that my roommate “Jen” had been seeing began to slowly but surely stay over more and more.I like the guy and even helped in setting them up to date. I initially enjoyed him hanging out/ staying over when it was at an acceptable 2-3 times per week. But now he’s here six, if not seven, nights per week, EVERY WEEK!!!

    I also have a boyfriend. My guy visits maybe once or twice a week and has slept over twice in the past two months. He lives alone and if we want to sleep together we usually just stay at his place out of respect for my roommate. I say that just to point out, im not the angry, single roommate mopping around the apartment.

    The real problem is that they spend ALL of their time in the common spaces (living room, kitchen, dining area).

    I have come to feel like im forced to be a hermit in my room. And not that I want to be, but because Im uncomfortable spending all my private/personal time at home with a couple. They have discussed (yet not made any attempt toward) getting a place of their own within the next two months. And the reason they dont spend time at his place is because he lives with his parents (he’s 26).

    Should I make any mention of how much this is bothering me? Or, should I just wait for them to (eventually) move out so that I dont risk ruining a good friendship with Jen?

  47. Memphis Says:

    Guest77: I am currently in the same situation (and thankfully moving out soon). You need to say something. Otherwise, you have no reason to get upset. Your roommate is not a mind reader, so she might not even know it bothers you. If you let this go on the friendship will be ruined regardless of whether they move out or not. It’s best to talk to her and try to have some peace and happiness while you still live together.

    Now my turn to vent.

    I moved into a two bedroom/two bath apartment with someone I had never met before. I had college roommates so I thought I was prepared to the whole moving in with a perfect stranger situation. The first year was ok. I had my doubts about renewing my lease, but for the most part we got along. She’s excellent about paying her half of the rent and utilities on time, she’s fairly clean, and she had never caused any sort of drama up to that point. Now I am wishing I had ran when the thought first entered my mind. When we moved in together she had a boyfriend from back home. It was a long distance relationship and he visited a couple times throughout the year. Very nice guy, very polite and respectful. After they broke up, my roommate decided to “spread her wings” bringing home any guy that looked her way. Well she landed on one guy and they have been dating for 6 months or so now. I have been miserable for 6 months or so now. The guy has his own place yet they continue to spend every living, breathing moment in our apartment. I had a talk with her (which took me a while to gain the courage to do so) and she agreed that he was over too much…she said she felt smothered. I think she was just making small talk bc his week long visits have not ceased.

    The guy is ok, but I hate the fact that I am treated with no respect by my roommate. She gave him a spare key without confronting me, she allows him to keep his loaded gun at our place, and she allows him to bring all of his laundry over to use my washer and dryer….all without asking or at least informing me beforehand.

    I feel there is absolutely no reason to get angry at a roommate’s significant other if you have taken the appropriate steps to resolve a conflict. If you have decided on some “ground rules” upon moving in or have brought up a specific situation and there has been no clear effort on their part to make life easier, your roommate is to blame. While a lot of conflicts arise from not previously establishing what is and is not “allowed” in your apartment, most conflicts escalate due to a lack of respect. If you’re being respectful and not receiving it in return, MOVE! There are other roommates out there…and maybe next time you’ll be able to weed out the bad ones by screening applicants.

  48. Sara Says:

    What is it with roommates being so inconsiderate? Right now I am living off campus with my boyfriend, two sorority sisters, and another person (guy) after having graduated from college. Every single morning I have to clean the whole kitchen due to it having been trashed the night before. My boyfriend is the only person who ever takes out the trash to the bin, AND who takes the bin out to the street. Everyone has been using my laundry supplies, prompting me to hide them. I am the only one who ever buys paper towels for the kitchen or who launders the kitchen towels. I am the only one who sweeps or mops. To top it off, the stupidest of my roommates (unfortunately one of my sorority sisters) ruined my non-stick pot by SCRAPING THE FOOD SHE WAS COOKING IN IT WITH A FORK. Way to go, genius. Seriously, who uses a METAL utensil on a NON-STICK pot? Now stuff burns to the bottom of it and it is basically useless. Did I mention that she also broke one of my bowls?

  49. Joelle Says:

    I moved into a townhouse where the landlord is the father of one of my roommates. Nice landlord, nice roommates. When I moved in, her father said he didn’t want any boyfriends moving in – it had been a problem before. I said no problem – my boyfriend lives in another city and has no plans to move. Neither of my roommates had boyfriends at the time – but then one of them got together with one of her co-workers and the other got back together with her on again, off again boyfriend of five years. One of the roommates – no problem. Her boyfriend is nice and doesn’t stay over too often. The other – when ever he comes over, he brings his big nasty dog – it easily weighs 120 pounds and is an obnoxious, unneutered male. Sometimes it pisses on the rug, and though he cleans it up, I can’t stand the animal. Also he brings his dirty laundry a few times a month. Recently, things got worse. His car got repossessed, and so he’s borrowing my roommate’s car. My roommate’s mother is offering to loan him the money to get his car back. Even worse, his roommate bailed on him, forcing him to move out immediately, leaving him homeless for a few weeks. Guess where he’s staying?
    I guess I also forgot to mention – I just found out that dogs are strictly forbidden in this house (I have no pets and don’t care).

    If my own boyfriend weren’t having such a hard time lately, I would have probably asked her to make her douchebaggy, loser boyfriend find somewhere else to live. It’s not that I only see my boyfriend once or twice a month, and I usually go to his city, it’s that I’m following the rules and Daddy’s girl is breaking them. There’s also the element of my roommate, a sweet, very pretty girl, stuck with such a loser who is taking advantage of her.

  50. Anna Says:

    I am so happy to find people with similar stories to what i am going through right now. If anyone has the energy to give me some advice i would be really thankful!

    I am living in a small two bedroom apartment with my best friend and last semester we were both single and had a blast living together. Then she meet an australian exchange student in october who was supposed to go back home in Jan, but never did. My friend never asked me if it would be alright if he moved in, i just came home after the holidays and found all his stuff at our place. I have really been trying my best to cope with this situation because my friend is so freaking happy, but he’s been here for 2 months now and i am desperate for a change.

    The first thing that bothered me was that she never spends time with me anymore. I’ve experienced before how friends get boyfriends and you don’t see them as often as you used to and that’s fine to me, i totally understand. But when you never hang out with you best friend anymore but have to hear her in the next room all the time laughing, talking, having sex, you name it, you suddenly feel really lonely and omitted.

    He has no friends here cause they all went home so he is so dependent on my friend and spend every second of the day with her. And since he now is staying in sweden illeagally he cant work or study so he is always at home, is life completely revolves around my friend. Oh and he does not pay rent cause he is broke.

    I talked to her about the fact that i miss her cause one night i suddenly burst out into tears in front of her after holding my feelings in for so long and we agreed to make time to hang out. She really tried for a while and she still does occasionally, but always wants to include her boyfriend. I try to do suggest things the three of us can do together like board game nights and watch english movies and so on but they are constantly making out, holding hands, in each others laps and so on so i got sick of it pretty fast.

    Her boyfriend was really fun to hang with and i liked him, before he moved in. Now i have seen a different side of him. One night after we all had been out partying when i came home i found my friend crying on the floor of the bathroom, completely inconsolable. I knew she had gone home early case they had a fight about the fact that he was always dancing with other girls and then coming to her saying it’s just for fun and he isn’t cheating. This night she danced with a dude, partly for fun and partly to get his attention and make him see what he is doing to her. Anyway, he had come home and been absolutely furious saying she disgusts him and that he hates her and doesn’t love her anymore. She told me she got really scared and begged him to forgive her and he had started breaking stuff in her room like her bed. When i came home she couldn’t even get up from the bathroom floor she was crying so much. The next morning she was still crying cause he had appearently said the same things again sober.

    I was so shaken up by this whole thing and really worried about my friend but the next day i had a to leave on a week long family vacation but told her to go stay with her parents for a couple of days even though she said they were working it out. Now i have been back a week and it is so strange at home. The boyfriend doesn’t talk to me and they spend even more time together, he even started going to her classes cause he doesn’t want to be home when she’s not cause it is so akward between him and me, even though i don’t treat him differently. He will only talk to me if i start talking to him and avoids me all the time. I hate being home now, i hate to hear them laughing and i hate that she is with him cause this is a confident girl, i have never seen her like she was after that night out and it is totally his fault. I don’t trust him at all and am really worried about her, especially since she said they are looking at apartments in Sydney together cause she wants to go live there for a year! I have told her i am worried about her and that it is not ok to react like he did, is it not a normal reaction to such a small thing. She doesn’t listen and probably thinks i am saying this for my own gain to get her back for myself or something.

    What the HELL do I do???

  51. Brittany Says:

    This is an excellent blog to have available. Thank you, “Oh My Apartment.”

    My situation is quite different from those above. I don’t have the luxury of moving out, especially without causing a big scene, so I know I must confront my roommate face-to-face with my concerns. Considering the semester will be over in two months and we currently don’t have plans to room together next semester (my last semester), I could wait it out without saying anything, yet after rooming with her for the past 4 semesters I’ve seen the same trend and, honestly, I’m just worried that she’ll treat her next roommate(s) the same way.

    I’m a Christian – holiness. So I have a moral and spiritual standard I hold for myself, and all I expect from my roommate who knows this is to respect my values. During the four semesters we have been roommates, she’s had the same few “visitors” at our dorm. Mind you, we do have separate rooms, but they are not closed off by doors. So I’ve heard things I wasn’t suppose to hear and didn’t want to hear (I always left the house when I discerned the signals my parents were preparing to “get busy”). With no heads up or forewarning, I always come to the dorm from classes, from work, or from late meetings and they are lounged on the couch or they come in late themselves during weekdays cutting on every light, loudly opening and shutting doors, laughing loudly, turn on the television volume loudly, and etc.

    Furthermore, she also invites her friends over and at times they spend the night in our small open living area during both weekdays and weekends. I don’t mind having visitors, but a heads up would be nice if other people are in our room, esp. when I’m expecting to be able to take a quick nap after class before studying and doing homework.

    Another issue with her friends or visitors is my alarm clock. Because I can’t sleep with the light on or too much noise, I stay awake and toss and turn until I can go to sleep. In turn, I oversleep not hearing my alarm clock, which my roommate considerately turns off without even letting me know.

    To make my point unbiased: I don’t have a boyfriend. But when I did, my roommate only saw him once every couple of months and he never spent the night or stayed longer than 30 minutes when she was here. When I invite others over, I always checked with her first, and if I knew we were going to occupy the living area more than an hour or so during weekdays, I changed the venue to my guest’s place or one of the lounge rooms on-campus. My most frequent visitor is someone I tutor and I’ve come to consider her a good friend but my roommate has candidly made it clear she doesn’t like it when my friend is over not only verbally but by always turning around and walking back out the dorm room when she sees her sitting in the living area; So I always have her to meet me somewhere else.

    Another thing that bothers me is the fact that my roommate is a bit of a slob. I’ve had roommates that were spoiled and an only child, so I knew what I was getting into. Yet even then, they understood you never invite guests over to a dirty home and you never allow them to leave the home dirty (especially if they are your friends). So as the primary “maid” I must pick up after her and her friends/visitors. She doesn’t keep her own room clean, so most often when she has visitors they “live” on the couch. So, this leaves not much space for me to relax and enjoy the space I too helped pay for (unless I confine myself to my room until he leaves, which is a horrible feeling – esp. being uncomfortable to go use the bathroom).

    She has currently dimmed down the number of visitors to one guy she met on an online dating site. Yet and still, am I wrong for wanting a heads up when he or her friends are going to be visiting, or spending the night over? Am I selfish for wanting to be able to come to my dorm room and just relax in the living area and not feel obligated to leave when she has unexpected visitors or guests? If not, how do I go about bringing up my feelings concerning this situation in a manner that doesn’t seem like “Brittany, what is wrong with you!”?

    -Brittany

  52. Heather Says:

    I met my roommate through a mutual friend. My roommate has ended up with that friends baby daddy. I knew it was happening so when my roommate said that her boyfriend invited her to move into his brothers house with him I told her that if thats what she wanted she should do it. She told me she does what she wants and she wanted to live with me. I knew her boyfriend would be over a lot I’m not stupid and I try not to be unfair so I told her that I didn’t want him to live with us and that if he was gone a couple nights a week that would satify me. Some of you think this is unfair of me BUT I have known him longer than her and when I met him he was cheating on the mother of his child with several woman. He can be a nice guy but he has done so many rude and disrespectful things in front of me to his baby momma I have never felt comfortable around him and I told her all of this before we signed a lease. She was fine with it agreed 100%.

    Now I know why- because she does what she wants as she said and she moved him right in. And since he has a child I get a 3 year old little boy running around an apartment every other week with no toys and no food. His father does NOT buy groceries he buys little caesars and beer and now he has raemen noodles which he uses my cheese to mix in with and my juice and ice cream for his son and I wouldn’t care if he bought groceries but he doesn’t and neither does my roommate! She eats my food and for awhile I was okay with it because shes my friend and she said she would buy food too. I did not take them to raise they are grown adults and he is the father he needs to grow up and go get some food for his son thats not little caesars or ice cream!! My roommate gets mad at me and says if she bought food she wouldn’t care who ate it or how much they ate so why am I not like that? Simple, because no one else buys food and I am not rich if I were I would not have a roommate who ironically is why I’m broke?? The only thing I know to do is buy stuff they won’t eat or drink so I live on cottage cheese, eggs, milk, and yogurt… I have lost 5 pounds.

    Since we have lived there (a whole 2 months) he has cheated on my roommate twice- once on her birthday and then 4 days later then on top of that he invites his old girlfriend over and falls asleep on the couch with her! When I go out to the bar with my roommate he questions me when we get back was she good? was she hanging on anyone? I don’t want to be in that position but she thinks its funny that he does it. And when I ask hey can he not come over tonight she gets defensive and says he doesn’t bother anyone. Obviously thats not true. We got in trouble for having someone who was not on the lease living in our apartment so he doesn’t stay every night anymore and I don’t see why its a big deal if I request a specific night since he can’t be there all the time anyway. Her solution is to just hole up in her room with him and not come out. And when I leave for a couple of nights he doesn’t stay over but when I ask for a night without him she pretty much says watch me have him over.

    Currently my roommate owes me her part of the cable, electric, and rent. She claims someone stole her rent that she left in my room. Then she says she didn’t get paid the next week. Then the next week she was supposed to get paid on the day that the electric was due. She didn’t. So it was supposed to be Friday then Saturday and its now Tuesday and I have been broke for over a week because I paid all of the bills because they are in my name because she owes them all money from 3 years ago when she lived with her abusive boyfriend and couldn’t pay them. So she can’t even say that she pays her part of everything… I think I do a lot for her one night without her boyfriend shouldn’t be too much to ask right?

  53. Ughh Says:

    Well I am the significant other (gf) in the relationship. I am in college about an hour away from my boyfriend. I live in a dorm, and we have strict hours of visitation, so often times we spend the weekend at his place. He shares a house with two girls, and one of the roommates (who’s dad owns the house) complains, is very rude, and always is telling my boyfriend what to do. She doesnt seem to have a problem with the other roommate. I think her anger might have something to do with me, though I don’t know why. I only come over on the weekends, and ocassionally on a weeknight (thursday or friday). My bf works in the day, and most of the time I go back to school in the morning anyway, but there are very rare ocassions that I will be here when he is not. When that happens, I stay in his room and use his stuff, and eat his food (since my boyfriend pays for groceries seperately), and wash any dishes that I use and put them back. I don’t use the shower until my bf comes back from work and we use that together, so there isnt any sort of wasting the water or electricity. The only thing I can think of is using the toilet, but everyone has to do that. On the weekends when we are together, we either hang out in his room, watch a little bit of tv on the couch (but not ALL day) or are out doing something. His roommate (not the complainer but the other girl) has a boyfriend who comes over and hangs with her at least as much as I am over with my boyfriend probably more, and the complainer seems to have no problems. I dont understand why this girl is being a bitch. And my boyfriend is only going to stay for another month, and then he is moving out.

  54. disgruntled Says:

    Nice to know that I’m not the only one…..

    I live with my boyfriend(we are both on the lease-officially living together) and live with a few of his close friends. These close friends have girlfriends who stay over all the time, and do pay utilities(but, they take longggggggggggggggg showers, whereas we don’t and they have portable heaters, and we don’t) , but one of them is so disrespectful…leaving dishes out, piling up communal dishes, forks, cups in their bedroom, leaving her dog poo in the back yard(gross) and bosses us around on how to organize the house. Yet, their area in the house is cluttered as hell, and doesn’t look like they ever unpacked.

    What is it with relationships where they don’t want to commit to living with each other…but basically do? It’s very frustrating. arrrrggghhhh.

  55. David Says:

    I’m a third-year psych student, so you’d think this stuff would be right up my alley. Well, human relationships are pretty fucking confusing. So my girlfriend’s new roommate is single, conservative and doesn’t want anyone sleeping over in their room. Come this fall, I’ll be living in a two-room apartment with four other guys though, and I can’t ask my girlfriend to sleep over at my place because I’ll have two roommates and we’ll be living in a very cramped room. I know my roommates will be touchy about someone sleeping over (especially considering our past experiences — read on). But how can I keep up a relationship if we can never sleep together?! This is college, not high school platonic-fest.

    On the other hand, I’ve been on the other side of the roommate drama and know how bad that feels. My roommate last year (one of my best friends) began going out with our neighbor sometime in January. From day one, she slept over probably six nights a week (they never slept at her place because her roommates HATED my roommate), not to mention they hung out in the room for about six hours every day. We’re talking about a tiny dorm room, here (not even an apartment) that my roommate shared with myself and my other roommate. To make things worse, my roommate and his gf were always touchy feely, regardless of whether we were there, which made it really uncomfortable to be in the room. They also had sex in there for like two hours every day and fought/cried for another two hours. I and my non-committed roommate ended up spending all our time in our friends’ room across the hall. It got to such a point that all of my friends and I completely turned against my roommate and his gf. We tried to talk to them a few times, to basically no effect.

    I know this is an extreme case, but given past animosities I don’t want to risk being the subject of my friends’ scorn just because I bring my gf over. Even though I know I can be more respectful than my roommate last year, there is a problem of limited space and multiple people. My gf doesn’t think she can convince her roommate to be okay with my sleeping over at her place. What can I do? Any advice?

  56. Anonymous Says:

    “Guest Says:
    April 18th, 2008 at 1:06 pm

    I’ve seen so many postings for the hardship that the single roommate apparently has when their other roommate finds happiness in another person. Unfortunately, no one thinks about how selfish that is, and how straining it can be on the relationships that one roommate has with the other as well as her bf. It is a shame that roommates can turn on you when they are jealous of your happy relationship. Why should I not be allowed to stay at my apartment simply becuase my boyfriend is there with me. I think that if I could be trusted before, why could I not be trusted in my choice of significant other? Maybe it is because I have never had a problem with anyone else’s significant other being around, that I find it strange, controlling, jealous and rude to think that anyone could tell me that my s.o. can’t be around. It’s very odd to me that people are so unwilling to share their space. I would be so happy for my roommate if she started dating someone. It’s sad that she can’t feel the same way for me. I think there are many more issues behind all of this. She is generally unhappy most of the time now, but it’s hard to have that negative energy chanelled in my direction. So is the solution not to date? Only to date people you don’t really want to hang out with?If you want to be free to lead your own life, I suggest not having a roommate.”

    I admit in some situations it might be jealousy that fuels these fires but I’m in a similar situation and it’s not jealousy that causes problems. Imagine getting into a lease with someone who says they don’t really drink and that they’re a fairly neat person. Now imagine that this is all actually true. Now imagine that they get a bf and the bf is an alcoholic slob and so are all of his friends and every time you come home to your house it is filled with a new group of losers you’ve never met getting wasted in your kitchen. Trust me, if this happens to you, you would be pissed off as well. Also it is not your right to constantly have ANYONE over significant other, friend, family member it doesn’t matter who they are. If your roommate agreed to live with you that’s who they should be living with. Not you, your friends, your family etc… Now of course you can have people over but you need to be respectful of the other people in your house. There is a big difference between your bf staying over sometimes (2-3 nights a week) and him being there every night of essentially living there. In my opinion it is FAR more rude to expect someone to constantly deal with your bf and there living habits. Like I said before they agreed to live with YOU, NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. Also the more people that live in a house the less time and space you have to yourself and I think it is completely unfair for an extra roommate to move in and not contribute to anything.

  57. cleoquel Says:

    help, my situation is a little different

    I am a homeowner. I have a mortgage that I’m in the long haul for. My payment is over a thousand a month.

    In a snowstorm at the end of January I took in a young couple (age 21 and 23, unmarried) who had been living in their car. He had no job but was collecting unemployment. So, for $100 per month to help with utilities (mind you, i didn’t say rent — initially i only expected them to cover their marginal expenses). The girl did’nt have a job either, and has tried looking for work, but she has some legal issues that basically make it hard for her to get employment. Feb, March, April seemed to go by just fine. I thought the long-term plan was that they were saving back some of his unemployment, and then when he found steady work, they’d probably find an apartment of their own. . . . I THOUGHT.

    In May, the male of the couple found work rehabbing old houses, and is getting paid cash [I suppose] to work with so-and-so’s uncle. He stays in the house that they are rehabbing, so he would only be at my house on weekends. Since Congress just passed a 12 week unemployment extension I think he’s still collecting that too — which is fraud.

    Not too bad – i was still getting my $100 a month, but he wasn’t doing anything for me around the house (bcz he wasn’t there) that I had been expecting (like landscaping, heavy lifting, building a chicken coop, stuff like that). The girl of course, still stayed with me all week.

    I decided to help the girl get into community college–trying to help her improve her situation and have something to do besides sit at my house on the internet all day. Yes, I know– i decided to go deeper into debt supporting her!

    Two weeks ago they supposedly “broke up”. Actually I was glad of it, because the $100 wasn’t covering *that* much, the boyfriend had discouraged her from looking for a job, discourages her from trying to go to school. . . basically i think he just wants her holed up in my house, without any transportation, to come home and **** each weekend. Essentially i feel like he’s a traitor who undercuts me and my attempts to help her gain the skills necessary for her own long term self-care.

    so this morning he’s there, naked. And I blew up. Her retort to me was I was jealous, that she does use her food stamps ($200) for food, and he/she were talking about giving me another $100. And that THATs his share of support.

    I’m PISSED. The food stamps and unemployment benefit are both taxpayer funded. How can I get her to see that his “support” actually is him mooching off me AND the govt, and it doesn’t impress me?

    I feel like we’ve gotten a long way from January. I don’t know what I think now.

  58. d. stephens Says:

    My room mate brought her significant other and stayed with my roommate for about a month. I got tired of my priviacy being invaded and he turned out to be just a freeloader. He would leave early in the moring and come back late in the afternoon. One morning I waited outside for him in my car, when I saw him comming out i asked him when he was planning to move out. He replies “i don’t know” I said what do you mean “I don’t know. I want an answer now! He gave me an adam and eve story of “she said you said…” I replied If that is the case why did you not ask me if you could move in, You have not paid a dime in expenses and you need to leave. He then gave me a bunch of excuses about why he did not want to pay. such as, he did not have his own room, It’s not the greatest place to stay, the air condidtioner wasn’t on. I told him freeloaders cannot be choosers and I did not invite him into my house in the first place. he moved out that very day. I think his girlfiend contested by going on a lemon and water diet and locked herself in the room for days and days.

  59. annoyedgirl Says:

    I’m living a similar situation where one of my roommate’s boyfriend is always staying and sleeping over. We’re talking around 5-6 days a week, even 7 sometimes. He’s nice, does things with us, and I like him, but… I’ve rented an apartement with 2 roommates, not 3. I don’t want to see a guy always in the apartement, when I wake up, go to bed, eat, everything. I want more privacy than that.

    I’ve already talked to my roommate months ago when it started, and she just couldn’t understand and told me “I don’t see what’s the problem, we’re always in my room and he’s going to be my bf so you’d better get used to it”…
    So now that’s he’s here all the time, I just can’t stand it, but I think the worst is that she just doesn’t care about it and never asked us if it would be okay with us and just assume it’s her right and all she’s doing is perfect… I’m afraid that if I bring up the subject again, she’ll be angry at me, and I don’t want to lose what’s otherwise a very good roommate relation…
    Should I talk to her or what? I’d be okay with him sleeping over 2-3 times a week. Also, she never sleeps at his place because he still lives with his parents…

  60. Anonymous Says:

    same situation…a friend moved in with me. her bf at that time was always there. now, she has a new man and he’s the same way. he’s there every day of the week, doesn’t contribute anything, and he’s there even when she’s at work!

  61. Anonymous Says:

    I just wanted to leave a positive kind of story here, sort of to show others that having a third person around isn’t that bad.
    My roommate and I have been living together for about 2 years. One weekend we both went to a house party and had a fun time. We met some people and hung out with a group of girls for most of the night. To make a long story short, we both incidentally liked the same girl (although he doesn’t know that I used to be attracted to her). She picked him, and that’s that… Until I realized that they were both pretty serious about each other and fell in love after a few weeks.
    I assume that I got lucky because the two of us have known her equally long, and we both enjoyed her company. After a while, she essentially moved in with him. I was skeptical at first (and I won’t lie, I was very jealous for a while too and acted moody), but it subsided once I spent more time with her and we became very good friends. I actually come to her for advice / share information with her that I am too embarrassed to tell my roommate now.
    But the living dynamic between us is really good. I get to have both my roommate and a good friend of mine around, and he gets to share his room/bed/life with the woman he loves every night. She and I are clean freaks, and WE get to team up and harass him about being tidy too! We all are cooks and have fun taking turns providing meals. Etc. etc. etc.
    The only problem I’ve really run into is the “third wheel” dynamic. My roommate confronted me once and claimed that I was around too much at times, not leaving them enough alone time. That was a while ago, and both she and I agree that he was being a little… alpha male cocky. I resolved it by simply saying “hey, we both have known her a long time. She’s my friend, and she’s your girlfriend. We all do stuff together as friends a lot. If you want alone time, set up some REAL dates for the two of you, and lock yourselves in your room if you want to go nuts on each other!” It worked, and we all get along great. I’m still looking for my GF, and when I find her… one of my deal breakers will be whether of not she can join our family style life. I hope she can. 4 random people all somehow become good friends / 2 couples. Isn’t that the dream? You know, until you grow up and get married, buy a house, have kids, etc.

  62. Brian Says:

    I just wanted to leave a positive kind of story here, sort of to show others that having a third person around isn’t that bad.
    My roommate and I have been living together for about 2 years. One weekend we both went to a house party and had a fun time. We met some people and hung out with a group of girls for most of the night. To make a long story short, we both incidentally liked the same girl (although he doesn’t know that I used to be attracted to her). She picked him, and that’s that… Until I realized that they were both pretty serious about each other and fell in love after a few weeks.
    I assume that I got lucky because the two of us have known her equally long, and we both enjoyed her company. After a while, she essentially moved in with him. I was skeptical at first (and I won’t lie, I was very jealous for a while too and acted moody), but it subsided once I spent more time with her and we became very good friends. I actually come to her for advice / share information with her that I am too embarrassed to tell my roommate now.
    But the living dynamic between us is really good. I get to have both my roommate and a good friend of mine around, and he gets to share his room/bed/life with the woman he loves every night. She and I are clean freaks, and WE get to team up and harass him about being tidy too! We all are cooks and have fun taking turns providing meals. Etc. etc. etc.
    The only problem I’ve really run into is the “third wheel” dynamic. My roommate confronted me once and claimed that I was around too much at times, not leaving them enough alone time. That was a while ago, and both she and I agree that he was being a little… alpha male cocky. I resolved it by simply saying “hey, we both have known her a long time. She’s my friend, and she’s your girlfriend. We all do stuff together as friends a lot. If you want alone time, set up some REAL dates for the two of you, and lock yourselves in your room if you want to go nuts on each other!” It worked, and we all get along great. I’m still looking for my GF, and when I find her… one of my deal breakers will be whether of not she can join our family style life. I hope she can. 4 random people all somehow become good friends / 2 couples. Isn’t that the dream? You know, until you grow up and get married, buy a house, have kids, etc.

  63. guest Says:

    So my story is a little bit different. I moved in with one of my good friends of the past couple years and everything was fine, until she started hanging out with this girl “Amanda.” This week alone “amanda” has been at our apartment every single day, and has spent the night 3 times. They always make HUGE messes in the kitchen and leave them for 5 days before cleaning it up. They’re always in the living room illegally downloading tv shows which take up our entire bandwidth, making it nearly impossible for me to do homework online. My roommate used to have people over all the time during the week for afterhours and pregaming, even on nights when i had to work early (5am) or had tests in the morning (i’m a straight A student so those are pretty vital nights for me). I’d long ago given up on trying to study here, but i can’t even get a good nights sleep in my own apartment because their drunk asses are SCREAMING at the top of their lungs. My grades have quite literally suffered as a consequence of their idiocracy. We’d had a talk about it first semester and she agreed to stop, well apparently she’s completely forgotten that discussion because things have only gotten worse. Every single day that i come home this other girl is there, without fail. I can’t even live in my own apartment where i’m the only one paying rent. She thinks that if my parents buy me something from costco that its hers too because “i didn’t pay for it”, yet i pay for my own $600 a month rent and she doesn’t. Hypocrisy at its finest. Today, I asked them if they would please clean up their mess in the kitchen as its getting warmer and do not want ants again (we had them pretty bad when we first moved in), they snapped back at me with some retort about how they always clean it up (which is completely false). They then started talking trash and making fun of the list i make for things to buy, which I put as a reminder on our whiteboard in hopes that she’ll get the hint that she should buy them. I bought dish washer detergent for the last 9 months of our lease and she refuses to buy for the remaining 3. I no longer care that we were friends, they are being incredibly rude and I want to find a way out of this hellhole. If any one has any advice as to how i can at least get this other girl out of our place or make her start paying for things i’m open to suggestions!!

  64. Kay Says:

    I know how this feels.

    First off, my roommate has 2 days of classes a week. I have 5 days, and also work part time (approx 30 hrs/wk)

    My boyfriend stayed over for a week (he’s from my old home state) to see me. Beforehand I had asked my roommate if it’d be okay (multiple times), promised he’d stay in my room most of the time, and made sure he would be completely dressed when leaving the bedroom. ( Her rule, actually.) He gave me money to cover any utility increase (which ended up only being a few dollars). There was some mess but he helped with dishes and chores. I also told the landlord that I’d be having company for the week to explain utility increase.

    Her boyfriend has been here every night save about 5 for more than a month. He’s constantly in the living room with the TV loud late at night, he does laundry here, showers here, cooks here. Dishes have been piled up to the extent that there was rotting food in the sink when I was finally home long enough to clean up. I’ve been stuck doing all the chores, but I’m annoyed that he’s always in the living room, ESPECIALLY when my roommate’s not here.

    I wouldn’t mind if he was over so much if he was in the bedroom. But he’s in the LR constantly and I feel that I can’t be out of my room. I don’t like him, but I realize my rm can make her own choices.

    Hence, I’ve told her I’ll be moving out in fall.

  65. Janelle Says:

    I am currently interning with a company that pays for half of my housing, the other half comes out of my check, included in the rent is electricty, water, internet, and cable. I have a roommate also. Last week I told my roommate that my boyfriend would be coming to visit me soon for atleast three weeks (he lives 8 to 10 hours away from where I’m interning). She seemed cool with it. Yesterday, she pulls me aside to tell me that she is uncomfortable with my bf staying there, remind you he has only been there for 2 days at this point. I asked her how he was making her uncomfortable seeing how he is never there when she is there and stays in my room, she really couldn’t give me a reason. I asked her if she was only uncomfortable when I’m not around, and she says “no i’m uncomfortable with the whole situation” I tried to move to another unit however they couldn’t move me. I considered her “feelings”, however at this point I don’t care. I feel having a roommate is about compromising. She’s is very nasty and doesn’t clean anything including her room, but because it’s HER room, I could care less. He doesn’t touch anything that belongs to her and like I said before stays in my room. So, long story short, she said he needs to be out by this weekend. yeah right.

  66. Casey Says:

    I am hear to say that I will never have a roommate ever again after moving in with my one of my Ex-good friends. I was living on my own for 2 years happily, and previously, with my boyfriend for 2 years. I was sick of living in a tiny apartment by myself, so I decided to move in with my friend, who I thought was a very good friend at the time. After about 2 weeks into living together, she started getting serious with this guy. I failed to notice this before, but apparently she can not be with out a boyfriend. After barely moving out with her ex-boyfriend before moving in with me, she immediately replaces the old guy with the new one. The new one has been unemployed for 5 months now, has an annoying voice, talks to much, and is just plane annoying. He and her spend every waking moment together…in my apartment. They purchase their groceries together, prepare meals together, sleep together, take wine class at the stupid community college together, and shit around on their computers together…IN MY APARTMENT. So, finally after 2 months of this, I confronted her to see if she could get some rent money from this loser! She defended him and said since he has to pay his own rent and he is not working he can’t contribute. She said he had been cleaning and buying paper products and killing spiders. WOW. That definitely equals a third of the rent. BS. So I settled for splitting the bills by a 3rd. I am on my 3rd month living with this couple and hate my life. I avoid going home because they irritate the crap out of me. In order to remain civil, I avoid them. I want to get out ASAP but signed a year lease. If worse comes to worse, I will bring it up to the landlord and move out. HE CAN PAY my share of the rent and I’ll just leave. Also, this has ruined my friendship with my friend who I moved in with. We were like best friends…and now i kind of hate her for what she did in this situation.

  67. Jeanine Says:

    Janelle.. You don’t seem to get it. You’re boyfriend doesn’t pay rent hence, he has no right to live there. he can visit for a couple days but living there is a whole different story.

  68. Kait Says:

    I’m a freshman in college and my roommate is my friend from high school. I signed this 12 month lease with her thinking that her boyfriend and toxic relationship was going to be left at home, SURPRISE… he last minute decided to come to the same university as us. We have been here for almost a week, and he has spent the night here every single night, showered here, eaten breakfast on our couch with no shirt, and even smoked in my roommates bathroom. She doesn’t seem to mind him being here, obviously (i call it toxic bc they both want to control eachother’s every move and he holds such a double standard to her- she lets him walk allll over her) Tonight, he went to his dorm room- and she got mad. I didn’t know that MY ROOMMATE was the one having him stay here every night… i like her boyfriend but i did not want to live with him. after i got pulled into the middle of their STUPID argument, i confronted him and told him he did not need to be here every single night. things got a little heated after i expressed my feelings (i am a little hot headed…) and i sent my roommate a text message after she shut her door for the night telling her that i did not want him to be here every single night, that i didn’t mind if he stayed on the weekends, but it is awkward and this is also MY house not just hers. Tomorrow morning I am going to have a talk with her… but with these two in this psycho relationship.. who knows if anything i say will be taken into consideration. this is only the first week! WHAT DO I DO?!

  69. Sarah Says:

    I am so glad for this forum, because it has really opened my eyes to the possibility of my roommate being very unreasonable.

    Please give me advice, So I have known my roommate for 7 years & we used to be best friends. We would do everything together. I used to have my own place & she would always come over to my apartment to hang out (I lived alone) – and she was totally awesome cleaned up after herself, ect.

    Due to some circumstances (i,e losing my job) I had to move back in with my parents thus we decided to get a place together. At the time both of us were single, she has never lived with anyone before. I didn’t think that developing ground rules would be so ideal.

    So when we first moved in she met her new bf, totally don’t mind – when they first started dating he stayed over say 4/7 nights, but they would always be in the main rooms. But I really didn’t mind because I set up my bedroom with a tv & could hang out in there – I knew eventually she would find someone (she choose not to do the same).

    About a month later I met a great man who has a great job and of course we were spending lots of time together getting to know one another. Now the only issue is that he doesn’t have a place close by (he lives about an hour and a half away), but he is getting his own place in the city in less than a month. He has been staying over (in my room – whenever over) maybe 3-5/7 nights. But this has been a huge issue for her. Now unlike others in this forum, our utilities are covered in our rent & I buy my own food – he never touches her.

    So having him over really doesn’t effect her.

    So this past month at her workplace she is working 10am-9pm, so really long days so I give it to her its stressful. And she came to me because she was uncomfortable with him “staying over all the time” – I tried to work with her we thus came up with rules to not have anyone over on Monday & Thursday. She complained that this wasn’t the greatest, but I tried to get her onboard because we needed to create some rules . She just didn’t want him over – when she was there (which is all over the place and not planned – because she has the opportunity to stay at her bfs place & does quite frequently).

    Plus one vital thing I forgot to say was that I have 2 precious cats – which my roommate used to love. But her bf is allergic so she is mean to them & treats them like the plague. No big deal not what I am worried regarding.

    So my bf will have his own place within a month of having this conversation with ground rules, but the first Thursday his first neice was going to be born. Of course with a new baby in the family & his first neice we have to go to the delivery. Which lasted till 1:30am – last time anyone wants at this time is to drive home for an hr and a half to be back at work by 8am in the big city again. So I told him to just stay over, but go to work early so she doesn’t have to deal with you in her space at all. And I will try and deal with her – if the situation arrises

    We got him up and ready to leave half hr before he alarm “normally” goes off, but she saw him in the hallway. When he told me, i tried to talk with her about the situation then & she just ignored me or said one word answers, so I gave up.

    I told him he cant stay here anymore. Sucks for me.

    Am I being unreasonable or is she?

  70. GuestXX Says:

    I’m glad I found this forum. I live in a 2 bedroom with a good friend. She was already dating her bf when we moved in together. It didn’t bother me since I knew the guy as long as she did and I get along very well with him. They spend almost all their time together, but that’s their private choice. I don’t have a problem with him coming to visit her often or coming to sleep with her. However, it bothers me when she leaves him in the house while she’s not there. It’s not that I don’t trust him or anything like that. But in my mind, when he comes here, it should be to visit her and spend time together, not to hang there by himself, especially since he lives only 15 min away from us.
    Another thing, we both usually go in pjs in the common areas to have breakfast. But one time, i was in the kitchen in pjs early morning and she just went to the door and let her bf in, without telling me anything. I felt uncomfortable…
    I already told her, long time ago, that i didn’t mind the bf’s visits but I didn’t want to feel like he’s living with us. Now, I want to be more specific about not having him in the house when she’s not here. Am I being too picky? I’m not sure how to approach her because I don’t want to spoil their happiness and I don’t want them to be offended. I would like to stay friends with both of them. Suggestions?

  71. Kalli Says:

    I have a similar problem to the ones other people are describing, but from a different angle. I am the girlfriend of a man who has a roommate, and this guy is a nightmare. He signed a year lease with my boyfriend, then pretty much went to another city to live with his girlfriend for the first 4 months of the lease. During that time, I spent a lot of time at the apartment, sleeping over most nights and even hanging out during the day when my boyfriend was at work. Since the roommate was incommunicado, I contributed to utility bills and groceries during that time, and worked to keep the place clean (both men are pretty unorganized, especially when it comes to dishes). After all of that, the roommate showed up again with his girlfriend and hasn’t left since. He doesn’t work, hardly showers, has had checks for bills bounce more than once, and eats the food that my boyfriend and I buy. The only meat he will buy is chicken thighs, but he is more than happy to eat hamburgers/pork chops/steak, whatever we are cooking. I know I am not a leaseholding resident of this apartment, but the case can be made that sometimes it is not the significant other who is in the wrong.

  72. Anonymous Says:

    Sarah… you are! If you made an agreement to not have company on Mondays and Thursdays, then the agreement needs to be respected. Period.

  73. Guest Says:

    SARAH – you have been bending over backwards for her. She is being completely unreasonable. She should have at least listened to your explanation as to WHY he stayed over. Urgent situations arise, and she needs to accept that life happens, she’s a grown woman, and needs to behave like an adult, not a child.

  74. Sherry Says:

    About two years ago, I started living with a roommate. She has a two bedroom condo, and I rented the basement space. At first I thought we would be really compatible. She was very strict about setting a rule that I could not have overnight visitors-fine with me, I like my privacy. And then, a month later, the guy she’s dating moves in with us, lock stock and barrel. He has personality problems and does not like to socialize, so he is there in the condo 24-7. He supposedly “works from home” but i never hear him making business calls. Needless to say, he doesn’t contribute to the rent or any other expenses that I can see. He is very touchy and passive-aggressive; it is easy to p*** him off, and when he gets annoyed, instead of talking it over like an adult, he sulks and takes it out on my roommate. And she, being the doormat that she is doesn’t confront him about his childish behavior; instead, she takes it out on me. It is NEVER his fault in her opinion, he can do no wrong. Here’s the kicker: he supposedly own two houses, one that he rents out and the other in a nice section of town. So why does he never stay there? My roommate has never even seen the house, and they’ve been together for two years. Isn’t that a little strange? Especially since our workplace is less than a mile from his house. My roommate used to talk about how convenient that would be, but somehow, they never ended up there. If my roommate wants to be a doormat, that’s her business. But when it affects me, who’s paying to live there, I think i have a right to object.

  75. Amy Says:

    I moved into an apartment about four months ago with my best friend. I was really excited because, I mean, how many people get to live with their best friend?! We went to school together and worked together, so we knew that we wouldn’t mind living together.
    My situation isn’t awful comparative to many others — I feel safe at my apartment, comfortable, etc. But I feel really resentful that she has her boyfriend over so much — 5 nights out of 7, sometimes 6. I have a boyfriend also, and we see each other every weekend. Sometimes I stay at his place, and sometimes he stays at mine. I have enough time for my boyfriend and for my best friend. But she ALWAYS has him over at our place, even though she’s said before that her boyfriend’s roommate is almost never home. They never go over there, and more importantly, I rarely ever get to hang out with her, at least without her constantly kissing her boyfriend and making baby talk to him while we all eat dinner or watch a movie. I feel lucky to live in the circumstances I do…but cheated out of my relationship with my friend!

  76. Kristin Says:

    The chick in the article who got pissed about the roommates boyfriend hanging around is just a little bitch. If he is contributing, or of his girlfriend is paying the rent, who cares? He used her lotion? Boo hoo. Grow up!
    My bestfriend and I live in a beach town, it’s packed full during the summer but not so much in the winter so money is tight when we don’t have supplementary summer jobs. My bestfriend and I share a room to save money, and she is great about my boyfriend being over. She was the one who suggested making him a key! He lives about 4 hours away and drives in every Saturday after work, and leaves for back home late Monday night. She has no problem with him being over. If we need private time, she goes to sit by the pool to smoke a cigarette and browse the internet or read a magazine. She knows he is important to me and helps any way she can. We both put in money for groceries each month, and could care less if my boyfriend eats her food. It’s just food. Stressing out about such petty things is what kills people! Making an effort and being straight up but respectful with how you feel is the best way to go.

  77. Robby Says:

    My situation sort of different…mostly I just need advice from you guys. So I’ve been living with my boyfriend and his family for about a year now, and I hate it. They are very rude towards me when I only treat them with respect. They don’t understand that the reason why I moved in with them is because my family moved away and I had no place to go. They think I’m living with them because I wanna be with my boyfriend and sleep with him all the time. Anyway, I’m thankful that they are letting me stay with them but I’m soo ready to move out into an apartment with my boyfriend. Recently we’ve been hanging out with one of his old friends (she’s a girl) and I’ve come to really like her. I stopped talking to my own friends because they turned out to be a-holes. So my boyfriends friend mentioned that we should all get a place together so we could afford it and get a place sooner. I haven’t known her for that long but she has really been a good friend to me and i to her…BUT would idk if it would be such a good idea for all 3 of us to live together. Like, she’s been friends with my boyfriend since middle school, I barely know her, and me and my bf have been going out for 2 years. I think I would feel uncomfortable about it even though I trust both of them. However, one night my bf got really drunk and she was there…also very drunk… It seemed that he was trying to take care of her since she was drunk but the way he did it made me feel very uncomfortable. If we lived together and they got drunk again, I don’t wanna relive that night and feel like my bf is ignoring me to go take care of her. So I guess what I’m trying to ask is should we all live together or should it just be me and my boyfriend?

  78. Jenny M Says:

    Here me out, this one is definitely bad.

    9 months into our relationship, my bf messaged a girl he knew and said he had always had a crush whenever she was around (in spite of being in a healthy relationship) and wanted to know if she thought the same. She responded not by saying “excuse me, you have a girlfriend”, but instead by saying “the feeling is mutual, and if you’re ever single i get first dibs.” After i found this and confronted him, throughout the following two years it continued to be a bother for me, until it brought us to a point where we had to forgive and forget, and he explained his feelings for me were true, and he wanted nothing of her. After many awkward instances of having to smile and make nice whenever i bumped into her with our circle of friends, i finally went to counseling, and managed to get a hold of my remaining resentment, which resulted in a postive renewal of my relationshp with my bf, and a long, heartfelt letter to the offending woman. The letter contained my own apology for any awkward behavior, its explanation, and a forgive and forget sentiment, that i found to me to be quite an admirable action on my behalf, considering i was the one who had to deal with the hurt and pain to being with, and she didn’t have the nerve or perception to ever bring it up or apologize, and yet i had to be the one to do so. An unfair burden, you may say, but i stepped up and was the bigger man, hopefully that would be the end of it. My bf and I felt never better and have been great since then (2 weeks ago).

    Fast foward, less than 2 weeks after receiving this letter, one would think that the offending person would take it as a sign to quietly fade into the background, and let my boyfriend and i be at peace, not reminded of her. At least, that’s what respectable people would do. Turns out she is quite the opposite of a respectable person, and proceeded to take the opposite course of action. my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year and a half, with his friends. One of whom is interested in this woman, and apparently she in him. At any point, the two of them could have gotten together, but in her all convienent fashion, she chooses to make her presence known again right after i sent her the soul bearing letter. She immediatley starting dating my roommate, and has spent the entire weekend in our house, and i fear this is only the start of it. Dealing with a rommates unpleasant significant other is one thing, but this specific personalized scenario being in my face just offends me to the core. her physical presence is a reminder of the pain that was caused, and its one thing if she was not aware of this, but after having become aware of this (through my confessing this in the letter), she inserts herself into my life and my close intimate quarters 3 times fold now, and does the opposite of quietly fading away.
    I can’t think or write without hearing her abnoxious laughter, and i feel she will start to take over the one place that was supposed to be my sanctuary, my private space with my bf and my private space to my self. I feel it is not only insensitive, but rude, and purposeful on her behalf, considering she is no longer in the dark about how it effects me, and she is quite aware of how uncomfortable she makes me. I feel like its a lose lose situation, because i can’t ask my roommate to tell her to leave, if they are now dating, but i cant be myself and comfortable in my own house and with my boyfriend as i would be if she was not there. In this regard, i feel that she must either be a complete idiot for not realizing the delicacy of the situation, or she must be the type of vindictive person that could only be doing this to hurt me further or somehow yeild power over me. If she only wanted to be with my roommate, she could invite him to her place, or be quieter when shes around, or just try to be a little less domineering in making her presence known. But that fact that she doesnt take these measures is what makes me lose all respect for her, and become intolerant of the situation.

    I am in a horrible bind, because the option of my bf and i moving out is not available to me. He says he is not ready to move out just the two of us (mentally or financially) and yet i yearn for our own place where we can be free from all these negative forces and awkward situations. If she immerses herself into our house, our lives, our very existence, im not sure how much more of it i can take. The fact is I simply don’t like her personality, and i would have felt that way regardless of the fact that i actually have reason not to like her, because she is a reminder of that past pain. At this point i just want to banish her from all of our lives, as i cannot be happy and myself when she is in it. I feel she is a game player and a manipulator, and if not that, than at the very least socially incompetent and lacking any sense of morals or boundaries and sensitivity to others. My boyfriend is a very social person, and a lot of our lives are nto only spent living with his friends, but going to events, and on trips, etc with these friends. If shes the new girlfriend of his best friend (our roommate) she will automatically be invited and involved in half of the things I do in my life, and my life with my boyfriend. Of all the women in the world why must his best friend choose her, and why must she do the same given the circumstance? Something in my gut tells me its not about him, but its about her own ego, and wanting to continue to interfere with my relationship with my bf, in any way that she can.

    What am i to do in this situation to help not feel a hostage in my own home? Everyone else thinks shes great, because they havent seen the sides of her that i have. I don’t want to be angry because then she “wins” and my bf and i will have difficulties again, and she will also “win” in that regard. but if i feign happiness in her constant presence, i will surely feel parts of my own personality and respect start to die, as i will simply be repressing what i really feel, and I won’t “win” in that scenario either. Is this a losing battle?

    How do i remove her from our lives in a “positive ” fashion or remove myself from the negative emotional consequences that inevitably come in her presence? I just yearn for some special space where i (and my boyfriend) can be at peace, and away from her loud, intrusive presence. What would you do? i have talked with a counselor, friends, and i still can’t seem to find a tangible solution to this one. I would gladly hear your advice, sympathies, or suggestions..

  79. Jenny M Says:

    Sorry i meant to say “hear” me out! not “here”. typo.

  80. Cali Guest Says:

    My boyfriend and I just moved into our friends place. Her parents bought it for her, so we only pay for utilities and other bills. since we were moving from a big house to a smaller place, we had a lot of things to put in storage, so we agreed we would pay all the bills because we felt like we were inconveniencing her. She recently just started dating this guy and he is over every other day. They have only been together a couple months, and they are already talking about him moving in with us… we get along with him, but we feel it would be fair to ask him to start kicking in and helping with the bills. We feel he should be helping even if he does not move in since he is there all the time. We are unsure how to handle the situation because it is “her” place, but we are paying for everything. We agreed to pay for her since she is doing us a favor by letting us live there….we did not agree to pay for his share also… I would appreciate any advice and suggestions on how to handle the situation!

  81. Christenelle Says:

    So my GF and I acquired our own place last October, 1, 2011. In February of 2012 a mutual friend contacts my GF and after a long convo I come to understand that this friend of ours who had been living in New Mexico with her parents and her 2 kids, a girl 19 yrs and a little boy, 5 yrs. She broke up with her boyfriend who in turn kicked them all out of his home.

    The daughter went to stay with our friends sister as she was enrolled in college there. But the muutual friend who we will call “M” stated she had nowhere to go , all of her things were in her car in garbage bags and she was just driving with no known destination in mind. My GF and I feeling for her and her little biy, offered up our home for “A little while” We have 3 bdrms and 2 baths, 2 car garage and and huge backyard. At the time 1 spare room was a “MAN CAVE” and the other a guest room. At this time I was laid off so we decided it would be mutually beneficial until such time they moved out.

    At fist things were awesome, community shopping, taking turns cooking, cleaning and just enjoying time together. After awhile we felt it was time the gym became a bdrm for little guy so they could each have private spaces since she is a grown woman. We moved equipment to garage and turned thr rm into a little boys rm. Things are still cool with the occasional annoyance of cleaning issues (It soon came clear shes actually a slob and I am OCD to the 10th)

    In April we come to understand her daughter is coming to “VISIT” and the mother wants desperately to keep her daughter “CLOSE” thus asking if we are ok with her daughter staying. Of course we don’t say no but the situation felt kinda forced. June comes and goes and we overhear a phone convo of “M” and in it she states “My daughter is staying with me she is not going back” Continues to talk about plans re: school/ jobs etc. Mind you the girl is sharing the room with little guy and that to us was a bit upsetting as it was.

    Soon after the girl shows up however so does her BF. Who in following weeks has spent the night consecutively for more times than we can remember. Since then the little boy has ended up sleeping on the floor so the girl and boy can play house. Some nights “M” is home and nothing is said to us, other nights she has been away so its the little girl and her bf and me and my gf.

    To make matters a bit more annoying the girl and boy do not say hi or bye upon leaving or entering the home at any given time, they do not attempt to converse in any way and plain old act as if they want nothing to do with us, creating an uneasy enviornment. Granted we are 2 females in a relationship but if this is an unltimate issue then I say GTFO.

    With all this the bills and rent is STILL split down the middle, regardless that they are using more water/ electricity/ rooms and more often then not there are 4 of them compared to me and my GF. Things were honestly great until the daughter/ bf team showed up and now things seem uneasy as a whole. “M” is extremly dramatic and sensitive and no matter how we make our case be heard she will be the victim because she pays rent/ bills, never on time mind you. Granted I am still unemployed and my GF has been fighting cancer, but between the both of us we pay our half of the bills and more often than not have to cover her part untill she can afford it. Im at my wits end, I want to feel comfortable in my own home, hate to see little man sharing a room with teenage sweethearts, tired of paying towards bills and rent when I feel there are more of them, tired of the indecency to ask if we have issues with the current living situation. HELP!!

  82. Miss Misunderstanding Says:

    Ok so I have one that is in fact a little different, I moved into a boarding house style situation (7 people) while here my boyfriend and I met since he was also renting a room. later a roommate moved out and a new roommate followed. I became convinced by her repeated need to follow us into common areas, stretch, wear tight clothing, and discuss sexual subjects in front of myself and boyfriend together, that the inappropriate behavior was a pass at my guy. later (3 months) she decides to move out, and upon having a friendly (truce style) evening at the pizza place next door, She knocked on the bathroom door as I was entering the shower later so we could “talk”. As she was exiting the bathroom after our “chat” (me wrapped in a towel) she kissed the soft part between the shoulder and clavicle on my chest. Guess it wasn’t my man she was after………

  83. 4th wheel? Says:

    What to do.

    My last year of college I leased a place with my bf and his friend. When they were looking for a place I did not participate as I did not have a full time job and could not commit to a year lease. They ended up leasing another place with a friend of theirs.

    The first month one roommate, bill, was on a 3 week vacation and the other, jake, is away working for the summer (but still paying his monthy rent). The first few weeks they were at the new place I would come over about 4 times a week and stay over 2/3. After about 3 weeks my bf said he wanted me to stay there every night. Which was fine by me. The utility bills came and my bf paid them himself as we were the only people living there for the month, the gas and electric bill were $50 combined. Bill returned from vacation and that month the utilities jumped from the $50 to almost $215 (extensively due to constantly running air conditioning on the Bill’s behalf). His roommate said we should be splitting the utilities 3 ways which we can totally understand but thought b/c the price was astronomically higher and our habits had not changed why should we have to fork over so much extra cash to keep him comfortable. My bf told him he didn’t feel comfortable splitting the bills 3 ways that month b/c of the dramatic price increase of which we were clearly not responsible for. So we split the gas 3 ways but the electric only in half.

    This past month, my bf and I were away for two weeks of the utilities bill cycle. The bills just came in and were about $10 less than the previous month. My bf thinks it is unfair for us to pay 2/3 of the electric bill when in the first place were gone half the month and there is not way we used that big a share of the utilities. Bill is now upset b/c he believes the bils should be split evenly despite our argument that we use very little and were gone half of the month. and because he is hurting for money is now insisting that I also take part in splitting the rent. Why should I pay over $400 to share a small room and have only 2 drawers of space and half a closet rack. If I had space to actually call my own

  84. 4th wheel? Says:

    My last year of college I leased a place with my bf and his friend. When they were looking for a place I did not participate as I did not have a full time job and could not commit to a year lease. They ended up leasing another place with a friend of theirs.

    The first month one roommate, bill, was on a 3 week vacation and the other, jake, is away working for the summer (but still paying his monthy rent). The first few weeks they were at the new place I would come over about 4 times a week and stay over 2/3. After about 3 weeks my bf said he wanted me to stay there every night. Which was fine by me. The utility bills came and my bf paid them himself as we were the only people living there for the month, the gas and electric bill were $50 combined. Bill returned from vacation and that month the utilities jumped from the $50 to almost $215 (extensively due to constantly running air conditioning on the Bill’s behalf). His roommate said we should be splitting the utilities 3 ways which we can totally understand but thought b/c the price was astronomically higher and our habits had not changed why should we have to fork over so much extra cash to keep him comfortable. My bf told him he didn’t feel comfortable splitting the bills 3 ways that month b/c of the dramatic price increase of which we were clearly not responsible for. So we split the gas 3 ways but the electric only in half.

    This past month, my bf and I were away for two weeks of the utilities bill cycle. The bills just came in and were about $10 less than the previous month. My bf thinks it is unfair for us to pay 2/3 of the electric bill when in the first place were gone half the month and there is not way we used that big a share of the utilities. Bill is now upset b/c he believes the bils should be split evenly despite our argument that we use very little and were gone half of the month.

    Because Bill is hurting for money he is now insisting that I also take part in splitting the rent. Why should I pay over $400 to share a small room and have only 2 drawers of space and half a closet rack. If I had space to actually call my own then I could see that, but I don’t get mail here and I have nothing but clothes and shower essentials here.

    I am feeling quite unwelcome but my bf sees so reason as to why I should have to leave. They signed a 3 person lease and all 3 are paying their portion as agreed. I have no real space of my own and am splitting utilities to cover the extra usage and he believes that is fair.

    I would really appreciate some thoughts on the matter.

  85. The Single Roommate Says:

    I am so annoyed but what some of you are posting! Firstly, I am the single roommate with a roommate who has a boyfriend who spending the night about 4-5 times out of the week. It’s severely annoying for basic reasons. However, before I get into that I am going to explain what I did to not get in my current situation. I have roomed before and shared bathroom. Big no no. I told myself always have your own bathroom. So before she and I signed a lease i stated the following:
    1). I needed a place with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms
    2). I told her that I do not like when people have significant others spending the night all the time

    side note: just so you all know this is a social thing not a utility thing as my water and electric are included

    At this point, she agreed with the 2 bedroom 2 bathroom set up and she also agreed that she would not have a boyfriend over all the time. Well one, at that time she didnt have a boyfriend but she also agreed that it’s not a good thing.

    5 months later…..

    Guess what she got a boyfriend who is spending the night literally 4-5 days out of 7 days. It’s from Friday night to Monday morning. Then he comes again from Wed. night to Thursday night. Then back again from Friday- Monday morning. NOW he’s here friday-monday morning. Tuesday night to wednesday morning and im sure he will be back here on Friday night.

    I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!

    Many of you have wrote, that people are jealous and/or that you pay the same amount of rent too. But you all who write this are missing the point.

    When you go into a contract with someone it’s between you and the other party. Not the other party plus boyfriend. It’s just like buying a car, I didnt buy a car with two spare tires or a car with something extra in it. Everything is should have an inventory from the beginning and that’s what i called myself doing.

    Here’s the basic problems with a boyfriend sending the night more than 3+ times a week (remember in my case its about 4-5 days a week) I THINK THAT ANYMORE MORE THAN 3X’S A WEEK, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD MOVE IN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

    problems with this boyfriends:
    1). You cant walk around halfway naked (living with a girl i dont care i’ll walk around with just a tee shirt)
    2). You can hear moaning ( i dont want to hear that shiz)
    3). I demand to have peace and quiet

    Simple Rules:
    1). When you go into a lease you go in with you and the roommate not the boyfriend. If your boyfriend wants to come over more than 3X’s a week congratulations! You two should probably get an apartment together because at this point you’re living together
    2). No one wants to hear moaning, be respectful
    3). Think how you would feel– you go into a contract with someone only to have a 3rd person as a part of it—great!… not!
    4). Go to his house sometimes. For those who live perhaps with family members, that should not be your roommate’s problem. If your boyfriend lives with family so what! You need to go over to his house a couple days of the week too. Doing this will at least provide a balance. Balance meaning since you are going over his house 2 days a week or more then guess what, your roommate gets the apartment by herself for X amount of time–it’s only fair

    SO EVERYONE THAT HAS A SIGNIFICANT OTHER PLAY BY THOSE RULES, IT’S ONLY FAIR!

  86. Christina Says:

    Prior to moving into a two bedroom one bath in Nyc, my friend had taken her boyfriend back and decided to continue living in NYC instead of moving elsewhere. She needed a roommate and was in need, so considering I was her friend nd she was nervous about having a random Nyc person room with her, I moved in. That night her boyfriend came and spent the night…and the next night and every night afterwards. After discovering my bedroom tv tampered with and the lights on upon arriving home from work, I found out that not only was he staying there while we were at work, but had a key!! I spoke to her about my concerns and basically nothing improved….even after I had other conversations with her suggesting he pay utilities or a third of the rent…but to no avail. after 3 months, I decided to move out. She said she wasn’t going to get another roommate bc she doesn’t want anyone to insist he pays rent bc he doesn’t really work. Smh. Lesson learned.

  87. chelsea Says:

    uuughhhh. my roommate literally has a new guy every 3-4 weeks. (and i’m a long-term relationship kind of person so this GREATLY annoys me.) and normally they might be here a day or 2 but most of the time she would drive to see them. well, this guy comes here to see her more than she goes there. so i’ve got this dude at my house, living with me like 5 out of 7 days a week…….i didn’t sign up for this. his computer won’t connect to the wifi (which i pay for) so he uses the ethernet cord to connect it, which in turn messes with the router and makes my wifi go out every 10 minutes. then he’s been drinking my water, i know it’s water, but it’s MY water. i don’t even know you’re name, you shouldn’t be touching my stuff. ever. and i don’t ever feel like i can leave my room because i don’t want to be around them. oh god and here’s the real kicker. i drive a long bed truck – that’s at least 16 feet. the parking lot is narrow, but i picked to live here in part because of the parking so i wouldn’t have to try to parallel on the street. so when me and my roommate park i leave enough room to the right side of my car that i can back up, drive into that space, and back up again at a sharper angle (so that i don’t hit the cars directly behind me). now my roommate knows that it pisses my off to no end when people park in that empty space 1. because they don’t live here and 2. because i can’t get out! so she knows that i ask them to move and i leave them notes and i complain about them. but what does she do? she forgets to mention this to her dude that’s parked here 5 days a week, in my empty space, so that i can never get my car out! it took me literally 10 minutes one day of inching forwards and backwards. park on the other damn side! it’s not that hard. for real. i’m so sick of him being here. i have one roommate. one. NOT two. i wish they’d break up already so she can start the cycle over with someone who never wants to come here.

  88. Emma Says:

    Need honest advice..

    I’ve lived with my boyfriend in a small 3 bedroom share house for over 2 years. Just under a year ago, we found a third housemate who was great. I introduced her to one of my male friends and they soon started dating. Since they got into a relationship 6 months ago, they have spent practically every night together (with a few exceptions). They probably stay at our place 70-80% of the time, and both over at his 20-30% of the time. They even joke that he’s ‘family’ and our dog see’s him as ‘one of the pack’.

    I think my boyfriend and i have been very tolerant about his constant presence over the past 6 months. He showers here almost daily, cooks here, sleeps here and we’ve never asked anything of him. They generally stick to themselves in her room, but it’s a small house and it’s unavoidable when it comes to using the shared spaces like the bathroom and kitchen. He uses these spaces yet has never taken out the trash, wiped down a bench, or put any washing up away (even though a lot of this stuff is his). He uses our supplies, utilities, our water & (i assume) our internet and we’ve never asked for a cent. He’s also never done anything out of good will like bringing over some toilet paper.

    Recently we brought it up with our housemate, asking that if he continues to be here as much as he is, that he pull his weight and chip in with the cleaning. She disagrees with this. She said she can’t ask him to clean as she isn’t asked to over at his place. Not that it’s relevant what goes on outside this house, but her boyfriend lives with his mother and as he doesn’t have a job, i assume she pays for him to live there. He is at uni and doesn’t have a job, therefore has very limited money.

    I like my housemate but i think she is being unreasonable. She refuses to come to any compromise and thinks it’s wrong to ask him to help with the cleaning. We suggested we all do a clean up once a fortnight and he pitch in but she refused saying that he should be paid if he was asked to clean. Her only answer is that she won’t have him over here as he shouldn’t be in a position where he has to clean. We told her that’s unnecessary and we keep trying to come to an agreement but she thinks we’re being unreasonable.

    What about the position she’s put us in? We all pay about $200 in rent & bills a week to live here on the agreement it’s a 3 person share house (it’s quite a small house). If a couple was to move into the 3rd room, we would have charged more rent for it. And now we have a 4th housemate here most of the time and not only does he not pay a cent, but he won’t even help clean up the spaces he uses along with the rest of us! I feel like we’ve been paying for his living, cleaning up after him & now we feel like the bad guys because we asked for a contribution from him.

    I need honest advice, are we being unreasonable? It’s causing a lot of tension which will probably result in her moving out which i don’t want to happen, so any advice would be a big help.

  89. PEC Says:

    I would like to know if it is ok for my house mates boyfriend to:

    1. leave his belongings, shoes coats, computer around the common areas in our shared house
    2. Keep clothes (quite a few) work shirts, blazers, pyjamas, slippers… yes he keeps a pair at our place (her room).
    3. stay 3/4 times a week – this is ok but his attitude towards being there as if he lives there with little concern for the rent & bill payer- me, he isn’t shy about taking up space working from our dining room table etc , he doesn’t move when I get home..
    4. has his newly received christmas TV at our house to be installed
    5. his girlfriend does his washing with hers
    6. she cooks him dinner, puts it aside and he comes in later and heats it up in the microwave himself as if he lives there
    7. he has often worked from “home” my home, whilst putting the heating on – which we are conservative with at the best of times.. He pays no contribution.
    8. work phone calls from our dining room table (underneath my bedroom) at 8.30am on a sunday
    9. received mail to this address – i think a joint account for them
    10. He is here lounging whenever she is, more often than not, and with a small two up two down there really is not room for three people here to be comfortable, so as a result I am now being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home… is it me being silly or should I say something???

    Last point we have a 2 seater sofa in our small front room so if they are cozied up there I am not welcome – and wouldn’t want to be as thats awkward, and yet I live here… I don’t want to interfere in their relationship – i like them both- but I feel unhappy coming home when they are both here. :-( It’s like i live with a couple and thats not what I signed up for…

    Please advise….?

  90. William Says:

    I live with my landlord who is a bloke and a mate of mine. I also have a girl housemate, after a few weeks they became an item, no problems there. She has recently falsely accused me of stealing milk, coffe, tea and sugar. A false accusation and quite a strange one considering I’m always open and apologetic whenever I put a foot wrong. I think this shows potentially vindictive behaviour and I’m scared what the next accusation will be, something more serious perhaps. What can I do? I’ve tried to tell her it’s a load of rubbish and she says ‘well that’s your opinon’.

  91. Rose Says:

    I fail to understand why these people need their significant others with them 24/7! I’ve had a boyfriend for four years and we’ve always been on separate leases and we make it a point to not stay over at each other’s apartment more than once a week.

    My roommate was the sweetest thing until she got a boyfriend over the summer. They are permanently attached to the hip. He sleeps over 5 nights a week and only leaves my apartment when she goes home to visit her parents! I believe I’ve seen her without him maybe once a month for the last six months. I like her boyfriend on principle, but I still believe that if you are signing a contract with someone to live with them, you should be more considerate about the guests you invite and how long you let them stay.

    Of course, I don’t know how to breach the subject because my only concrete complaint is “He’s not on the contract”….sigh….

    People: if you want to “basically live” with your boyfriend, you should move in with them! Don’t burden your housemates with their presence!

  92. Anonymous Says:

    I’m a girl from avery conservative family background. Signed up for on campus housing to Avoid Hassle while in graduate students. So, I signed up to live in an apartment on campus with a random roommate. I was paired up with another girl who was from China. First semester everything was great and we kept to ourselves. Then one day I was asking if she had a boyfriend, and she said she was MARRIED.

    Turns out that for the first semester her and her husband had an overseas relationship, well he just got into a US program so now visits frequently. I’m starting to get uncomfortable with the situation. When she first asked if he could visit every other weekend I said Ok, but I don’t want guest staying over on school nights, but he stays from Thursday night to Monday morning about 3 weekends a month. Not only is it against what I agreed to, but it’s against school rules to have a guest over frequently and for over 72 hours, and if an RA found out I don’t want to get in trouble for her constantly breaking a rule. She also keeps alcohol in the fridge on a dry campus and lights candles, things that could also get me in trouble since she keeps them in the common area. I understand she wants time with her husband, but I also want to be able to feel more relaxed in my own place (and not have to wait for two hours for them to finish in the bathroom). Especially since he’s english isn’t good, so he and I don’t talk, making it even more uncomfortable for me. I feel like it’s there place and I’m the live in maid who cleans up after them both, and I’m not to be seen and not to be heard, when he is over.

    I feel bad asking her to not have her husband over anymore. But I have a right to be comfortable, this ISN”T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR when I chose on campus housing to AVOID these types of situations, I don’t want to get in trouble if they get caught. I’m worried confronting her will break the refuge form the daily grind of grad. school, our apartment used to have and turn it into tension. But I don’t want to give a tip to the RA, because I really don’t want her to get into trouble (after all they are both really nice).

  93. Confused Says:

    After reading everyone’s replies, mine is completely different. I am the girlfriend of one of the housemates.

    For the first two month everything was great. I got along well with the housemates. I was staying over pretty much every night. My boyfriend sat the housemates down alone and asked them about once a week if they had any problems. I was paying utilities from the very start also.

    The relationship with the housemates was very strong. We would cook together, hang out together, go out, this was all without my boyfriend, that is how close we were. I helped one through a break up, drove the other one around because he didn’t have a car and cleaned my own things and well more then my fair share.

    When the second month rolled around, they asked me to start paying rent. My boyfriend and I were already talking about that happening so it was not a shock or anything. The only problem was due to me having a medical condition, I could not work as many hours as them so we agreed that I would be paying $20 less a week.

    When it came to the week and every other week, I have paid the full amount of rent instead of less. But it has all gone down hill from here. They are starting to get rude to the point I don’t even leave the bedroom and never use the common areas. They are referring to me as a pest even though I do more then my fair share, I pay my share of the rent on time, every week and pay for a share of all the bills. I keep to myself, I am never rude or say anything about the way the house is ran. I leave nothing of mine around the house except my shampoo and never have friends over. I eat my own food and clean up the second I am done eating. I even wash up their stuff.

    Everyone talks about how the other person is not paying their way but what if they are? What if everything was great then went sour? I am trying to do everything right but they are still not happy. If I am not living here, my boyfriend and I would never see each other. He works six days a week, working 4 different jobs. The only time we get together is when he is home at 11pm and then leaves again at 9am. I am depressed but at the point of having to choose between my boyfriend or moving out.

  94. Anonymous Says:

    My own situation is eight-tenths his fault, one-tenth her fault, and one tenth my own fault.

    It’s a bit of a winding story, forgive me.

    When we moved in, we were taking over the lease for him. He was only suppose to stay for a month while he found his own place. We were four people in a tiny two-bedroom apartment, but the two of us said, okay. We can make it work for a month.

    One month turned into two, into three, and then it was decided (without my input), that he would just stay with us.

    Me and RM#1 looked at each other warily and said, okay. Not ideal, but we’ll make it work. Cheap rent is cheap rent. (as students in school and me too stubborn to take out loans, we were willing to deal with that).

    Now, as a point of clarification, my bedroom was set up in the living room, with RM#1 in one bedroom and RM#2 and her boyfriend in the other.

    Over the course of the next six months I would rush from school to work and back again. I am an extreme introvert, so I would come home, hoping to slough off the days stress with some quiet and a good book and instead find the boy camped out on the living room (read: my) floor, playing League of Legends.

    Now, if this happened once in a while, it would be annoying, but bearable. But here’s the thing:

    In the entire time he lived with us, he did not have a job. In fact he did not go anywhere at all.

    He got up at 8 in the morning, set up on my floor (completely regardless of whether or not I was awake. My schedule is one very much set up for your average night owl), and played League of Legends until I forcefully threw myself into bed and wrapped my sheets around my head at around three in the morning. Even then it would sometimes take a solid twenty minutes before he would pack it in.

    I was very stressed out. By the time finals for that semester rolled around I had not slept well in months (often I was lucky if I could catch an hour or two of fitfull naps a night), I was stressed about school, and was no longer thinking straight. I had convinced myself that everything was alright and obviously the problem was with me.

    RM#1 noticed I was stressed out, but didn’t know what to do, though she did come to my defense on those rare occassions I realised what was going on and asked her for help. The results never lasted for more then an hour or two though.

    RM#2 never noticed a thing.

    Eventually, I broke, and had a complete nervous breakdown after realising I was seriously considering passively letting myself die (I’m a diabetic. I woke up low one morning and just… didn’t want bother getting up.)

    I went to work that day. And then I went to school and wrote my finals. When I got home, RM#1 had knocked some sense into RM#2 and she offered to switch rooms with me. We did, which helped marginally. But it didn’t fix everything. Despite what I had thought (and hoped) things didn’t get magically better. His voice gave me minor panic attacks and I found myself struggling to breath trying to enter the apartment when I knew he was there. I still can’t stand the SFX for League of Legends.

    I even told her, a couple of times, that I still wasn’t over what had happened to me. That this was still affecting me. I laughed a little when I pointed out my new stutter, something I’d never had before.

    And he was still always there. As far as I knew, he didn’t even noticed that anything had changed.

    I’m not even sure he knew what happened to me, you know, despite being less then ten feet away and still playing his game as I had sobbed to my mother over the phone in the bathroom.

    Eventually, RM#1 kicked him out, after much discussion with me and several outside parties.

    It didn’t take. Instead, RM#2 brought him over all the time. He was there as often as four and five days a week. But now he wasn’t even paying rent. RM#1 to the rescue again, and decreed to #2 “Once a week”.

    Well now that’s failing to take too. The most they typically manage is three days.

    And if we haven’t completely solidified his status here, did I mention that, even when he did eventually get a job, he had his girlfriend do all his job hunting for him? And field all his calls? And cook all his food (she never cooked for us, even when there was five of us in a house and we had a rotating cooking schedule)? How he leaves her to take care of his cat and gets her to do everything for him? How he tells her furthering her education is a dumb idea and discourages her at every turn?

    I’ll admit, I’ve been very passive in this situation. I’m not good at confrontation. But this Boy is an ass and I’m beyond done with dealing with him.

  95. Let's Compromise Says:

    Hello, I just have a question. We have a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment. 1 tenant pays for their own room/bathroom, so therefore half the rent. The other bedroom has 3 tenants in it, all 3 dividing half the rent 3 ways. My question is does one of those roommates in the room with 3 people have the right to throw either or both roommates onto the couch and out of the bedroom that they all share because their significant others spend the night? Even if the 2 people who have significant others follow the rules of the lease in allowing guests to spend only 7 nights a month and they pay their fair share of the rent, does 1 roommate have the legal right to dictate where another roommate can sleep if they bring their significant other over? Or it doesn’t matter if they sleep on the couch or on a separate bed away from the disgruntled roommate in that room? Thank you.

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